


I Am Not Afraid To Understand You

by ShyAudacity



Series: I Am Not Afraid To Understand You [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe, Angst, Bisexual Eddie Diaz, Bisexual Evan "Buck" Buckley, Eventual Romance, First Meetings, Grief/Mourning, Gun Violence, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired By Tumblr, Multi, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Reunions, Slow Burn, Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Touch Averse Character, Whump, basically i took canon and rearranged and rewrote almost all of it, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:48:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 34,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23805598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyAudacity/pseuds/ShyAudacity
Summary: This guy, whoever he is, is swaying where he stands ten feet in front of the truck. Looks like he just barely made it out of a doomsday machine in one piece- but that’s not giving him much credit. The white t-shirt and sweatpants he’s wearing hang loosely on him and his feet are bare. Just from watching him stand Eddie can tell that he’s favoring his right leg over his left. His head swivels in the direction of Eddie’s car, but the man just blinks owlishly; like he’s not registering any of this.What the hell is going on?Eddie gets out of his car as his firefighter instincts start to kick in, already asking, “Hey, man- are you okay?”ORInspired by this tumblr post from whumpster-dumpster: Whumpee has escaped from Whumper, dazed and wounded. As they try to make it home they get weaker and weaker, finally collapsing in the middle of the street. As they slip out of consciousness the last thing they’re aware of are headlights racing toward them and screeching brakes.Do they get hit or does the car stop in time? More importantly, whose car is it, a stranger’s, an ally’s or an enemy’s?
Relationships: Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Firehouse 118 Crew, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Maddie Buckley, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan “Buck” Buckley & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: I Am Not Afraid To Understand You [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1875277
Comments: 194
Kudos: 930





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here's the thing: I have absolutely no clue how this timeline looks since I more or less rearranged everything in canon, so just go with it, alright? I promise to try and make it make sense. If I don't mention something just assume it doesn't happen in this universe. Also, this fic is A Lot and not the happiest at times, so tread lightly if you must. This fic is mostly going to follow Eddie's shoulder though the plot does quite a lot to do with Buck.
> 
> Beta'd by ao3 and tumblr user saltslimes (thanks again dude!) and the title is from Buddy Wakefield's "Gift Of My Hate."

_The only thing I want right now is a long shower and a cold beer. Preferably both at the same time._

Eddie Diaz is taking a shortcut through some back roads in order to get home today. He only does it when he doesn’t feel like sitting through Los Angeles traffic or when he’s had a particularly tiring shift at the firehouse- so, more often than he’d like to admit, really.

It’s been a long day. Three house fires, a fatal car wreck, and a kid who got their head stuck in the railing of a staircase _again_ this week. He’s just glad to be out of the uniform. Days like this always take it out of him more than others; more than anything, Eddie is just ready to get some much needed sleep. 

It’s late; the sun went down hours ago. The headlights on his truck are the only thing keeping the road lit. That fact mixed with Eddie being eight kinds of tired means it’s truly a miracle that he stops in time when something- or _someone_ , it seems- appears out of nowhere and steps out onto the street.

Eddie screeches on his breaks as soon as he sees the figure appear from the left; his seatbelt just barely keeps him from smashing his face against the steering wheel. He’s about to honk and give this guy shit for literally _walking into the middle of the road_ when he takes a closer look at the man.

This guy, whoever he is, is swaying where he stands ten feet in front of the truck. Looks like he just barely made it out of a doomsday machine in one piece- but that’s not giving him much credit. The white t-shirt and sweatpants he’s wearing hang loosely on him and his feet are bare. Just from watching him stand Eddie can tell that he’s favoring his right leg over his left. His head swivels in the direction of Eddie’s car, but the man just blinks owlishly; like he’s not registering any of this. 

_What the hell is going on?_

Eddie gets out of his car as his firefighter instincts start to kick in, already asking, “Hey, man- are you okay?”

Then, before he can answer, the stranger- whoever he is- hits the ground, _hard_.

“Aw, _shit_ ,” Eddie says with a grimace. He rushes towards the man, kneeling on the ground next to him. Eddie places his hand on the man’s shoulder, shaking him as he says, “Sir? Hey, can you hear me?”

The man’s eyes roll and move around under his eyelids but never fully open; Eddie curses to himself, digging in his pocket until he can pull out his phone. Of all the crazy moments as a first responder, Eddie can’t ever remember a time where _he_ was the one calling for help.

A woman’s voice says, _“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?”_

“This is Eddie Diaz from the LAFD, house one-eighteen; this is an off-duty emergency call.”

_“Hi, Eddie- how can I help?”_

“I’m on a back road two miles south of twelfth and grand. Someone just walked into the middle of the street and then passed out. Young male, mid to late twenties. I haven’t been able to rouse him.”

_“We’re sending an ambulance your way. ETA is eight minutes- in the meantime, do your best to wake him and keep him calm if you can. Sounds to me like you were in the right place at the right time. Would you like me to stay on the line while you wait for the paramedics?”_

“No, no I got it from here.”

Eddie hangs up then gives the guy a once over while he waits for the ambulance; there’s a red splotch above his left eye, but it looks more like a birthmark than a bruise. His feet have small scratches littered across them, the cost of traipsing through the woods without any shoes, no doubt. He’s not seriously injured as far as Eddie can tell, but his wrists are rubbed absolutely _raw_ \- the skin under his hands are an angry shade of red. Like it’s scarred over more than once.

There’s no way that an injury like this could be considered an _accident_.

Eddie turns over the man’s right hand, trying to get an idea of how recent this could have happened when the guy- whatever his name is- groans loudly. Eddie flicks his eyes up to the man’s face and watches as the guy starts to stir, his eyes fluttering every few seconds.

“Hey,” Eddie says carefully, “Hey, man, can you hear me?” 

His eyes open fully and the fogginess is quickly replaced with panic. If it weren’t for his hand on this guy’s chest, Eddie’s sure the guy would’ve bolted; his efforts in getting up are merciless against Eddie’s strength. There’s an erratic edge to his breathing that Eddie doesn’t like one bit. 

His blue eyes catch Eddie off guard when he first manages to get a lock on them- he wasn’t expecting them to be so bright given the situation. He forces himself to take a deep breath before saying, “Take it easy, alright? Help will be here soon. Can you tell me your name, at least?”

The man shakes his head, still breathing like someone stuck a straw down his throat. He opens his mouth to speak, but the crunch of gravel under tires cuts him off; an ambulance rolls to a stop in front of them. Two women get out of the front of the rig. Eddie recognizes them vaguely; Sullivan and Abbott from station six.

At the sight of the paramedics, the guy makes a strangled, terrified noise like all hell just broke loose. When they come closer, he curls onto his side and grapples at Eddie’s arms, clinging to him almost desperately. It’s like he’s trying his hardest to go unnoticed-

Or, disappear entirely, it seems.

Sullivan calls over to him, “Are you the firefighter that called this in?”

He nods, saying, “Eddie Diaz, house one-eighteen.” He then gestures to the man in front of him. “He collapsed in front of my car. He was only unconscious for a minute, maybe two- but I haven’t been able to get any information out of him. He’s pretty agitated.”

She nods, “If you move for a minute we’ll take a look at him.”

Eddie tries to give them space and back up, but the guy only holds onto him tighter. When Abbott touches his shoulder, the guy flinches violently, pressing himself even closer to Eddie even as he shakes. His voice is rough and fearful when he finally says, “Don’t- don’t let them take me back. Please. I promise I’ll listen- don’t make me go back there. Please- please, I’m sorry.” 

Eddie feels his blood run cold at the words, the implication of something _bigger_ going on here scaring the hell out of him. He looks up at Sullivan and Abbott and finds them both wearing a deer in headlights look- a look that Eddie doesn’t doubt he’s giving right back to them. Not knowing what else to do, he goes along with it; Eddie leans in closer, carefully holding the back of this guy’s head.

“Okay, okay, I won’t,” he says, trying to calm him. “I won’t let them take you anywhere, I promise. Just try and breathe, alright? …Everything is gonna be fine.”

When he looks up again, Abbott is a few feet away holding a syringe in her hand; she mouths _sedative_ at Eddie. As much as he hates the idea of knocking him out, Eddie knows it’s their best bet. There’s no way this guy is going to let them help him given the state that he’s in now. Eddie nods then shifts his hand to the underside of this guy’s head, the other one on his shoulder.

Abbott comes forward and presses the needle against the guy's neck; he jerks for just a second when it pierces his skin. After a few seconds, his body goes boneless again and Eddie hates watching the way his eyes go lifeless in front of him, losing all of their color. 

With a grimace, he backs up finally to let Sullivan come in with a backboard. Eddie picks his phone up off the ground and wipes his hands off on his jeans, looking up just in time to watch Sullivan and Abbott load mystery man into the back of the ambulance.

Eddie finds himself asking, “What do you think happened to him?”

Sullivan walks towards him while Abbott closes herself into the back of the rig. “Hard to say,” she says. “Could be a drug mule that escaped, maybe a run-away groom that got himself lost- there’s no way to know for sure. But given the injuries, he sustained to his hands and the language he was using as well as his hypervigilant state-.”

“It looks like some form of violence,” he supplies; Sullivan nods sadly back at him. Eddie gets a sinking feeling in his gut; he was really hoping to be wrong about this one.

“You did good with keeping him calm. We got it from here, Diaz; thanks for all the help.”

Eddie bites his bottom lip as he watches her walk away. Something about all this isn’t sitting with him right- he feels like he still needs to do more to help. Before he can take more than a second to think about it or make his own reasoning make sense, he finds himself asking: “Do you mind if I follow you guys to the hospital?”

Eddie walks into the hospital right as he’s being rolled into the emergency room and- wow, he didn’t know a grown man could scream like that.

Though he knows he’s not really supposed to, Eddie follows the sound past the head nurses’ desk. There’s chaos in the Med Bay when he finally finds the right one. Dude- as Eddie started calling him in his head on the ride over- is fighting all of the nurses and the doctor. He keeps jerking away every time someone lays a hand on him and making pained noises, not answering any questions directed at him; obviously the sedative didn’t last very long.

Eddie is so distracted by all of this that he doesn’t realize that an older, black man- Dr. Anderson, his coat says- has been trying to get his attention. “Wh- I’m sorry, what’d you say?”

“I asked if there was someone that we can call for him. Another family member, a spouse?”

He blanches. “Oh, uh, I don’t know- I just found him like this. I don’t actually know him.”

“You’re the firefighter?” He continues when Eddie nods. “Do me a favor; get in here and calm him down.”

He moves without questioning it. Eddie works his way into the room, moving until he’s reached Dude’s head; he’s still too agitated to even notice that Eddie is there. He doesn’t want to touch until he knows it’s okay. Eddie looks up at Dr. Anderson, his hands hovering over Dude’s body until Dr. Anderson nods at him.

Eddie lays one hand on Dude’s shoulder and the other just under his chin, trying to catch his eye. It takes a second, but eventually, Dude looks up at him; the fear is still there, but he stops yelling as soon as he realizes Eddie is in front of him. He doesn’t relax entirely, but he does seem to breathe a bit easier- seemingly recognizing the familiar face.

“It’s okay,” Eddie finds himself saying. “You’re okay now, I promise.”

Both of his hands reach for Eddie’s right arm, holding on for dear life again. Dude’s eyes start to flutter a few seconds later and Eddie forces himself not to panic; the poor guy is probably exhausted. It’s impossible to guess everything that he’s been through- but judging by the looks of him, Eddie knows it can’t be anything good.

Eddie stays quiet in the corner while the nurse and Dr. Anderson work on him, moving just long enough for a nurse to stick an IV in Dude’s arm. Eddie forces himself not to look at the small vial in the nurses’ hands; whether it’s just pain meds or another sedative, he doesn’t want to know what they’re giving him.

He focuses his attention on Dude’s face. He looks worn out more than anything- the just barely there sunk-in look of his cheeks reminds Eddie too much of himself when he first came home after being deployed. That was a terrible time for him; Eddie hates to think that this guy could be going through something similar. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Eddie halfway listens to the nurses as they keep cleaning Dude up. None of them can find a wallet or anything that might have a form of ID. The only thing on him is a wad of money taped to his leg inside of his ratty sweatpants, all small bills- nothing bigger than a five in the stack. He’s a total John Doe; he just… appeared.

In the midst of trying to process all of this, Eddie can’t stop thinking: _he had to have come from somewhere… somebody must be missing him._

While he’s lost in thought, a nurse appears next to Eddie. “Are you staying?” She says it so simply that it catches him off guard. “They’ll be taking him up for X-rays soon; I can have someone bring you a chair, for while you wait.”

Eddie rolls over everything in his head; he was supposed to be home more than an hour ago. He’s probably got a dozen missed messages from his Abuela on behalf of Christopher wanting to know where he is. But then he looks down at Dude again who’s fallen asleep- or maybe the drugs finally kicked in, it’s hard to say- looks at where Dude’s hand is still gripping his forearm, and he makes up his mind.

“A chair would be great, thank you,” he tells the nurse, giving her a tight-lipped smile.

For the life of him, Eddie can’t figure out why he’s so stuck on this guy. More often than not, when he responds to a call, he’s able to shake it off as soon as the truck pulls away and let the universe decide from there. Maybe it was the look in his eye. Maybe it’s the mystery surrounding all of this- how he just _showed up_ out of _nowhere_. Whatever the reason is, Eddie has a feeling that this is going to stick with him for a while.

He’s in too deep; he has to see this through now. One way or another.

The nurse comes back with a chair and Eddie gives her a quiet thank you. Then, he pulls out his phone, wincing internally at the six missed calls- all from Abuela. He presses the call button, trying to think of a way to explain all of this without making it sound like he’s also completely lost his mind.

“Abuela? I know, I know I’m late- I’m sorry, something came up with work. I’m okay, I promise. Reynolds from third shift called in, so Bobby asked me to stick around until a replacement could come. Do you mind if Christopher stays with you a bit longer? …Gracias, Abuela. Tell Christopher I love him.” 

Eddie feels bad for lying to his grandmother, but for now, it’s going to have to work. He doesn’t want to give away any details before he knows how the situation is going to play out. For now, he does his best to settle into the chair, albeit as uncomfortable as it is. Perching his head on his fist, Eddie looks up at Dude, still fast asleep, and decides it’s about time that he got some sleep of his own.

Needless to say, this is _not_ how he imagined his night would play out.

Try as he might, it’s too hard to get comfortable in an emergency room chair for Eddie to get any decent sleep. Last time he was in a hospital this long was last year, after Shannon… the memory of that day alone is enough to keep him up. He tries not to think of it too much, but in a place like this, he can’t really help it.

After a few restless hours of trying, it’s obvious he’s not going to get sleep any time soon. Eddie decides to familiarize himself with the man in front of him- or at least, as much as he can while Dude is still asleep.

He seems to be faring better than he was when Eddie first found him, but it’s hard to gauge when there’s nothing to go off of. Eddie can’t stop staring at him, looking for some sort of clue. He leans forward in his seat, his eyes catching something on Dude’s right forearm.

There’s a scar right under the bend on the inside. It’s puffed out and pinkish in color- a few months old at best guess. The puncture marks surrounding it give proof to it having been stitched up, but even that looks jagged; the product of unskilled hands. It’s in too specific of a spot to be an accident, but Eddie figures that it’s best not to press it when he doesn’t even know this guy yet- despite being curious as all hell.

A nurse walks in and Eddie straightens up in his seat. He watches her move around the small room, checking Dude’s vitals and stopping at the foot of the bed, cataloging everything. The nurse- Julia, according to her nametag- looks up at him after a minute of writing and says, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t see you there- are you family?”

Eddie tries to think of a decent response. “Depends. If I say no, can still you tell me what’s going on with this guy?”

Julia bites her bottom lip, then looks over her shoulder before flipping through the file. “There’s not much here since he is still a John Doe. Dr. Anderson had some X-rays done earlier; there were no present internal injuries, but there were a few old breaks that hadn’t healed correctly. One in each of his wrists and another in his left ankle.”

 _That explains why he was favoring his right leg when I found him_ , Eddie thinks to himself.

His eyes fall to the scars around Dude’s wrists again, the harsh color of them impossible to ignore. Eddie thinks back to what Sullivan said; how all of this looked like the product of violence. A sick feeling grows in his gut; this dude has been tied up for god only knows how long- somebody did this to him on purpose. Just to keep him somewhere he didn’t want to be. 

_It’s a miracle that he even got away._

“Have the police been involved at all,” Eddie finds himself asking. “Somebody obviously hurt this guy- can’t they do something?”

She shakes her head. “He hasn’t been lucid or awake long enough to give a statement, and even so it would be up to him to press charges. Staff isn’t allowed to call anyone unless we’ve been specifically asked to. It sucks, I know- but that’s the rules.”

Eddie lets his shoulders drop, frustrated that he can’t do anything else to help the situation further. He doesn’t say anything as Julia takes her leave, just looks back at the man on the bed, trying to piece all of this together somehow. None of this makes any sense. How did he get all those scars? What was he doing in the woods in the first place? Who was he running from?

Are they going to come looking for him at some point?

Eddie leans forward, elbows resting on his knees as he whispers, “Where did you come from, man? …How did you survive like this?”

More than anything, Eddie hopes that silence isn’t the only answer he ever gets. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know I still don’t know your name,” Eddie notes after a minute because at this point the curiosity is killing him. He’s run over dozens of ideas in his head, but he’s got a feeling that none of those will be as good as getting to hear the real thing.
> 
> Dude darts his tongue out to coat his bottom lip, looking away from Eddie. It takes him forever after that just to say: “… my friends used to call me Buck.”
> 
> Used to?
> 
> Eddie finds the use of past tense odd but doesn’t press him for details, or an explanation of what he assumes is a nickname. This whole situation is weird enough as it is; it’s best to leave the past alone for now.
> 
> “Okay- well, I’m Eddie, since we’re swapping secrets,” he says. “Is there somebody you want me to call? Or the nurses maybe?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how regular the updates are going to be but I'm going to *try* and make it 1-2 weeks between each one. I also don't know exactly how many chapters there's gonna be either. Writing is weird, y'all. I hope you enjoy the chapter!

It’s just his luck that Dude would wake up  _ just _ as Eddie’s finally managed to fall asleep.

He hears Dude before he sees anything. The sharp inhale from a few feet away being clue enough as it is. Eddie opens his bleary eyes, picking his head up from the back of the chair he’s slumped in; he can’t find a clock, but he knows it's still too early to be awake. Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie watches Dude’s hands grapple at the sheets and tug the material between his fingers, his knuckles going white.

_ Oh shit. _

When the monitor next to Eddie starts to beep in double time, he knows this whole thing is about to go south fast if he doesn’t do something. He forces his tired body out of his seat, touching Dude’s arm and then regrets it when he startles and jerks away; Dude struggles like he wants to get up, but Eddie holds him in one spot. Eddie keeps one hand on his forearm the other hovering in front of his own chest, letting Dude get a good look at him.

“Hey,  _ hey _ , it’s alright,” Eddie says as gently as he can; Dude’s eyes are glossy and afraid. “You’re at the hospital, remember?”

Dude breathes heavily like it’s taking everything out of him, but at least he looks Eddie in the eye. His eyes dart across Eddie’s figure, obviously trying to catch up to reality.

Eddie gives him a minute before asking, “You know who I am?”

He stammers, his voice rough. “I- I walked in front of your car.”

Eddie nods, managing a smile. “That’s right- good… do you remember anything else?”

Dude shakes his head.

"That's okay. You were pretty out of it." He knows he should go get the doctor, a nurse at the least- but he’s got the feeling that leaving right now would make all of this worse. Besides, he’s been waiting  _ hours _ for this moment- he can’t just walk out on it now.

Dude breathes heavily for a minute before sinking back into his pillow, staring up at the ceiling. It’s hard to tell if he’s relieved to be here or not.

“You know I still don’t know your name,” Eddie notes after a minute because at this point the curiosity is killing him. He’s run over dozens of ideas in his head, but he’s got a feeling that none of those will be as good as getting to hear the real thing.

Dude darts his tongue out to coat his bottom lip, looking away from Eddie. It takes him forever after that just to say: “… my friends used to call me Buck.”

_ Used to? _

Eddie finds the use of past tense odd but doesn’t press him for details, or an explanation of what he assumes is a nickname. This whole situation is weird enough as it is; it’s best to leave the past alone for now.

“Okay- well, I’m Eddie, since we’re swapping secrets,” he says. “Is there somebody you want me to call? Or the nurses maybe?”

Dude worries his lip between his teeth, eyeing Eddie carefully: “I have a sister, somewhere. I don’t know if her number still works, though.”

“That’s okay. Here-.” Eddie fumbles trying to pull his phone out of his pocket. The battery is nearly dead but he hands it over anyway; Dude-  _ Buck _ \- looks at it for a minute like he’s not exactly sure what to do with it, then starts typing into the blank notes page in front of him.

When he hands it back, Eddie can’t help but stare at it for a second. The name  _ Madeline Kendall _ glares back at him; it sounds vaguely familiar, but he can’t put his finger on where he would have heard it. Eddie looks up at Buck, nodding at him. “I’m gonna go try and get ahold of her- I’ll be back in two minutes, alright? Promise.”

Buck- he’s still trying to get used to that- nods at him numbly and Eddie’s chair screeches against the linoleum as he gets up. He stops right outside of the door, trying to remain within earshot in case Buck starts to panic again.

Eddie stares down at the phone in his hand, wracking his brain out trying to think of how he could possibly start this conversation. It’s just after three in the morning- it’s too early to be having any kind of conversation, let alone one as crazy as this.

_ How am I supposed to tell a woman I’ve never met before that her brother just appeared out of nowhere? And injured, too. _

For the life of him, Eddie can’t bring himself to do it. So he doesn’t. Instead, he scrubs a hand over his face and walks over to the nurses’ desk, and waits for someone to notice. Luckily, Nurse Julia from before is there. “Hi. The John Doe in room six is awake- he goes by Buck. This is his sister’s information. It’s probably best that the hospital calls her and not a random stranger.” 

Eddie’s gotten more than enough bad news in all his years of being alive- given equally as much if not more, what with being in the service  _ and  _ working as a paramedic. He’ll take any chance he can get to not be the bearer of bad news for once.

Buck is half asleep again when he comes back, his eyes drooping every few seconds. His head swivels over to Eddie as he plants himself in his seat again. With a tired voice, he asks, “Are you gonna leave?”

It’s so vulnerable that it catches Eddie off guard. “Only if you want me to,” he says softly.

Buck’s eyes go glossy, a small shudder running through him as he says, “ _ Please _ don’t.”

Eddie can’t say no to that, so he doesn’t. Without thinking about it, he reaches over and squeezes Buck’s forearm. For a second, he worries that it’s going to startle Buck again, but instead Buck closes his other hand over Eddie’s, holding him there. Like he needs the touch for once, letting it guide him to an easier sleep.

Some sick voice in Eddie’s head says,  _ how long has it been since this guy got a damn hug _ \- and Eddie feels sick to his stomach just thinking about it.

He falls asleep again before he can decide if he really wants to know the answer or not.

It’s just after six when Eddie wakes up again. He rubs at the back of his neck, cursing lightly as he feels a knot that’s grown from sleeping in an odd position for too long. When he sits up, he finds that Buck is awake. There’s a tray of untouched food in front of him.

“Hey,” he says with a gruff voice. “How’re you feeling?”

Buck shrugs.

“Something wrong with the food?”

“Not hungry.”

Eddie smirks a little. “I don’t blame you; hospital food is bad no matter which one you’re in. I think I got a few bucks in my wallet- I could find a vending machine, or something, if you want.”

Buck shakes his head; with a curious look on his face, he asks, “You spend a lot of time in hospitals?”

“What? Oh, no- my son. He was born with Cerebral Palsy, so he's had a few surgeries. We practically lived in waiting rooms for a while.”

“We?”

Eddie curses internally; he’s really got to stop doing that. “My wife, Shannon. She was with me.”

“You’re married?”

“…I’m a widower.”

Buck nods almost knowingly, letting the conversation drop after that. His fingers are drumming against the skin of his arm rapidly. He keeps pulling his bottom lip between his teeth every few seconds until it turns red at the edge.

It’s obvious that he’s agitated about something, but Eddie’s not sure if he’s got the mercy to ask about whatever is it. Testing the waters, he says, “Can I ask you a question?” 

Buck looks wary but nods at Eddie.

“That money that was taped to the inside of your leg- what was it for?”

His eyes go wide and he looks away. Buck’s fingernails dig into the side of his arm and Eddie knows that he hit a sour note. 

“Don’t worry, I’m not a cop or anything- I’m not gonna rat you out. I was just curious that’s all. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Buck turns back towards Eddie but doesn’t meet his eye. He keeps his voice quiet. “I was gonna buy a bus ticket… I was trying to get to Maddie.”

“Your sister?”

Buck nods and his bottom lip trembles. “She’s gonna be so mad at me.”

Eddie wants to shush him and ask why he would say such a thing- but Nurse Julia appears in the doorway and interrupts before he can get that far.

“Sorry, I don’t mean to intrude,” she says. “But there’s a woman here to speak with Buck.”

Buck shrinks back into his pillows, his eyes going wide. When he pulls in a shaky breath, Eddie places a hand on Buck’s shoulder, hoping it keeps him from spiraling into a panic.

“I’ll go talk to her,” he says, almost too quickly. He looks between Buck and Nurse Julia. “If Buck’s not ready, I’ll go talk to whoever it is. See what she wants. Does that work?”

Buck nods jerkily with a still uneven breath leaving his lips, looking at Eddie warily. His fingers are tugging at the sheets again- but he seems to be keeping a level head.

Eddie takes all of this as a good sign- or a decent yes, at least, and squeezes Buck’s shoulder once before getting up. “I’ll be right back, alright? Five minutes.” He stuffs his hands in his pockets as he gets up, feeling nervous himself.

_ Who could possibly be here to talk to Buck? It’s so early. Nurse Julia said the hospital wouldn’t call the police unless Buck asked for it. Did he say something while I wasn’t awake yet? What if he called someone to come get him- _

_ God, when did I get so possessive? I barely know this guy. _

Eddie squares his shoulders as he rounds the corner. A short woman with long brown hair is waiting at the desk, wearing a uniform for the district’s dispatch call center- she must have just gotten off an overnight shift. There’s something familiar about her that Eddie can’t place. It feels like he might’ve met her before- maybe she’s the one he talked to on the phone last night.

The woman’s eyes go wide when she sees it's just Eddie. “Who is this? Where’s my brother?”

Nurse Julia interjects. “Ms. Kendall, this is Eddie Diaz. He was the one who found your brother.”

“Why am I talking to him? Where’s Evan?”

_ Evan? Oh, that must be Buck’s first name… it’s got a nice ring to it. Evan Kendall. It’s not bad. Doesn’t really explain the nickname though-. _

Eddie shakes his head; now is not the time to get distracted. “Ev- Buck wasn’t ready to talk, I offered to come out here for him.”

“Wasn’t ready to talk? What- this is insane,” Maddie says, pushing back her hair; Eddie can tell that she’s getting agitated and he can’t really figure out why.

Quietly, he asks, “Nurse Julia, will you give us a minute?” After she’s gone, he turns back to Maddie. “I know all of this seems like a lot, but he’s fine. A little skittish if anything but-.”

Maddie puts her hands up, cutting him off. “No, no you don’t understand- my brother’s been missing for _three_ _years_.”

Oh fuck- Eddie  _ really _ didn’t know that. “He… what?”

“Evan fell off the face of the earth overnight. I looked  _ everywhere _ for him. And now I’m just supposed to believe that he walked out of the woods having come from God knows where, as if nothing happened to him? That doesn’t make any sense.”

Eddie grimaces, thinking back to the scars on Buck’s wrist. “Maybe… not nothing,” he says quietly.

Maddie’s eyes go cloudy; Eddie knows that look- he’s seen it on himself more times than he’d like to admit. It’s a face only worn by someone after a certain kind of trauma- this family must have been born into bad luck.

Her voice is stony. “Where is he?”

Eddie gestures behind himself, leading her in the direction of Buck’s room. He doesn’t say anything else. He’s not sure there is much he could say that would fix this situation somehow-

Something obviously happened to Buck. And it’s looking more and more like he’s the only one that knows.

It’s not until they get back to the room that Eddie realizes he should’ve given Buck a heads up before springing his sister on him like this. He gets halfway through saying, “Maddie, wait-,” but she’s already beat him to the door.

“Evan?”

Buck’s head whips up at the sound, his going wide and afraid all over again. “Maddie?”

She steps into the room, already reaching for him but stops short of the bed when he flinches away from her outstretched hands. Maddie pulls her hands back to her chest.

“Wh- What are you doing here?” Buck asks; Eddie can tell that he’s trying not to panic, for Maddie’s sake or maybe his own, but it hurts to watch all the same. “I thought you were still in Hershey.”

“I moved out to LA three years ago, to come look for you.”

“…Three years?”

Maddie nods. “That’s how long it’s been, Buck. Each day longer than the one before.”

Buck looks to him for reassurance and Eddie doesn’t know what to do other than nod at him.

Then, she asks, “Do you mind if I sit next to you?”

It takes him a minute, but Buck finally nods and Maddie takes her place in the chair, her knuckles white where her hands are clenched across her knees.

Eddie feels like an intruder suddenly. This is a moment meant for Buck and Maddie, not him. Not the guy who got lucky and just so happened to rescue some poor dude from God only knows what. He tunes out the quiet conversation the siblings are having and looks down at his watch; he’s still got some time before his next shift starts. Christopher still hasn’t left for school yet- if he leaves now, he could make it home in time to drop him off and make up for not coming home last night.

He feels bad in a way, for leaving Buck just as soon as his sister arrived- but he also knows this isn’t the place for him right now. Looking up again, Eddie notices that Buck has relaxed back into his pillows, his eyes growing heavy as he talks with Maddie- he’s probably still exhausted from all the excitement of last night. It’s the most at peace he’s looked since Eddie first found him; for some strange reason, he almost wishes he didn’t have to leave. He was just getting to know Buck.

“I hate to do this,” Eddie interrupts, “But I have to check-in at home before work.”

Buck looks between him and Maddie, perking up at Eddie’s words. His eyes go wide just as before- like he’s afraid, still.

“Though- I can come back. Afterward. If you want me to, Buck. Would that be okay?” 

Buck nods minutely letting his head fall back to the pillow and Eddie feels something warm settle in his chest. Relief, maybe.

“I’ll be back later tonight,” he says, looking between both of them then back to Buck. “Get some sleep.”

Eddie nods to the nurse on his way out of the hospital. The sun is still making it’s slow arrival over the horizon, casting a glow across the parking lot. He sits there for a minute after getting into his truck, taking a second to just breathe and process everything.

It’s crazy how much things can change overnight.

Eddie makes a point to  _ not _ tell Abuela about the mystery man he met for fear of freaking her out- she worries about him enough on calls as it is, he doesn’t need to add something like this to the list. Christopher was in no mood to talk to Eddie after not coming home the night before, so it was a painfully quiet ride to school after picking him up.

He’s been doing that a lot in the last year- getting mad, shutting Eddie out and not talking to him. Of course, Eddie understands where it’s coming from; losing a parent at any age is hard, but being so young certainly doesn’t help his case. Eddie just wishes that Christopher would talk to him about it, maybe then he could figure out why his son is so defensive all of the sudden.

Maybe it would explain why Christopher hasn’t let Eddie hold him in over a year. 

By the time Eddie gets to work, he’s practically itching to tell his team the story. He doesn’t get around to it until around noon, an early call during breakfast having taken up most of their morning. As the team sits around the lounge, Eddie watches as all of their eyes grow bigger and bigger, finding amusement in it.

“So, let me get this straight,” Chimney says after a while. “This guy walked out in front of your car from the pitch-black woods and there wasn’t a _single_ scratch on him? That’s impossible.”

“Coming from Mr. Rebar,” Hen chimes in; Chimney just rolls his eyes.

“His feet were a little scratched up from walking around with no shoes,” Eddie reminds him. “And he had a couple of odd scars on his arms, but other than that, yeah. He was fine.”

He leaves Buck’s name out of it for now; Eddie knows he’d feel weird if someone was going around giving out his name and telling weird stories to anyone that would listen. Chimney has a point though; if this had happened to any other firefighter, Eddie’s pretty sure he wouldn’t believe them either.

“How’s he doing now?” Hen asks. “Did you stick around afterward?”

Eddie nods. “Hard to say. A bit shaken. Something obviously happened to him, but he didn’t say what. I’m just surprised he trusted me enough to let me sit with him, to be honest. Can’t imagine letting a stranger sit with me in the hospital the whole night.”

“I don’t know,” Bobby finally says. “Sounds a lot like something Buckley would’ve gotten himself into.”

Chimney and Hen both hum in agreement, sad smiles stretching across their faces as the room goes quiet.

Eddie doesn’t have to ask what Bobby’s talking about. He knows the one-eighteen suffered a loss a few years back before Eddie joined the team. They don’t talk about him much and Eddie can’t say that he blames them; he doesn’t like talking about the friends that he’s lost in action either.

Eddie knows that his team is still hurting in their own ways. This recent win kind of feels like he’s rubbing it in their faces. That he got lucky enough to bring Buck home to his family and the one-eighteen couldn’t bring home their friend.

To most everyone’s relief, the sirens go off before anyone can speak up again, putting a halt to the conversation. In all the excitement of the call and the rest of the shift, Eddie doesn’t think to bring Buck up again with the team, but that doesn’t stop Eddie from wondering about him on his own time.

For the life of him, Eddie can’t figure out why Buck- a stranger, nonetheless- has taken up so much of his attention so suddenly. But he can’t bring himself to try and  _ stop _ thinking of him either. Maybe things just work out like this sometimes. Maybe Buck was supposed to be in his life all along-

Whatever the reason be, Eddie is curious to find out. In a weird way, he hopes Buck is too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christopher makes an appearance in the next chapter, I promise I'm not just teasing his existence. Also, again, weird-ass timeline, so bear with me on that front. Thanks so much, my friends.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before he can stop himself, Eddie hears his own voice saying: “He can come home with me.”
> 
> Buck’s head shoots up in a second; Eddie can’t tell if he looks panicked or relieved. 
> 
> “What?” Maddie says.
> 
> _Yeah. What am I doing?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, this timeline? Fucking weird.

Eddie is almost giddy to go see Buck once his shift ends. He tells Abuela that he’s going to be a little late getting Christopher, telling himself that he’s only going to stay for an hour. Just to make sure that Buck is okay- or as okay as he can be given the circumstances. It’s hard to tell how he’s coping when Eddie still doesn’t know the whole story of what happened to him.

He struts into the emergency room with an ounce of determination brewing in his gut. Eddie nods at the nurses as he walks past the desk, taking in their surprised faces at seeing him there again; he smirks to himself, almost pleased.

That pleased feeling leaves almost as soon as he gets to Buck’s room.

Maddie is sitting next to the bed, her face pinched in frustration as she looks down at her phone. Buck, on the other hand, is curled on his side with his arm covering his face; the sight takes Eddie back to the other night, how Buck had done everything he could to not be seen. 

_What is he hiding from this time?_

When Eddie takes another step, his shoe squeaks against the linoleum and he curses himself internally for killing the silence. Maddie looks up from her phone. Buck’s arm jerks before slowly pulling away from his face, looking over at Eddie. There are bags under his eyes that weren’t there this morning- Eddie forces himself not to read into it too much.

“Hey, sorry to barge in,” he says. “How’re you feeling, Buck?”

Buck averts his eyes and shrugs.

Eddie raises an eyebrow then looks over at Maddie who gives him the same reaction; it must be a family thing.

“I’m trying to find a new apartment on short notice,” Maddie says, holding up her phone. “But my idiot landlord won’t let me out of my lease early and all of the two-bedroom places around here are way more than I can afford.”

“Maddie I can sleep on the sofa, really-.”

“ _No_ , Evan. I haven’t seen you in years; the least I can do is make sure you have your own bed.”

Whether it’s the use of his first name or being fussed over, Eddie can tell that Buck isn’t enjoying this. The discomfort of the situation making him hunch in on himself even further. Eddie can’t just stand here and watch all of this happen.

Before he can stop himself, Eddie hears his own voice saying: “He can come home with me.”

Buck’s head shoots up in a second; Eddie can’t tell if he looks panicked or relieved. 

“What?” Maddie says.

_Yeah. What am I doing?_

“I’ve got a spare room, at my place. Buck can stay with me until you get your lease figured out- only if he wants to, of course.” Eddie’s not really in a place to be offering up a place to live. He’s got a guest room that’s collecting dust and a nine-year-old that won’t open up to him but hey- he’ll help where he can. 

“Eddie,” Maddie starts. “I- we couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I guess it’s a good thing I offered then,” he says sincerely. “Really, Maddie, I wouldn’t mind. I wanna help.”

Maddie gapes at him for another second before looking over at her brother. “What d’you think, Buck? How do you wanna do this?”

Buck pulls his bottom lip between his teeth, looking at Maddie for a long moment before finally meeting Eddie’s eye. “I’ll go with him,” he says quietly. “I’ll go with Eddie.”

For now, Eddie chooses to ignore how his insides soar with joy- that can be addressed at a later day.

“Okay, great,” he says, trying not to seem overzealous. “I should get home before it gets too late. I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll be back to get you when you’re discharged and we can go from there. Sound good?”

Buck nods, catching Eddie’s eye for the smallest of seconds.

After that, he bids them both farewell, content with his choice. This is going to be good. He’ll get to help Buck get back on his feet and- with luck- get to know him a little better in the process.

There’s still a grin on his face as he steps outside again. Eddie takes a deep breath, letting the air fill his lungs and relishing in the “at ease” sensation that spreads all the way to his fingers as he exhales.

It’s a good day.

Then, just as he’s getting in his car, his phone buzzes in his pocket; a text comes through. It’s his Abuela, no doubt asking how much longer he’s going to be. Eddie quickly realizes he’s going to have to tell her about all of this. Why he’s been late the last few days, how Buck is coming to live with them indefinitely-.

He’ll have to tell Christopher.

“Oh, _shit_.”

Abuela’s not mad per se, just confused, then concerned after Eddie explains everything further. She smacks him lightly on the arm with a shake of her head. “You can’t help but to find trouble,” she says, though there’s no heat to it at all.

Eddie only tells Christopher that a friend is coming to stay with them for a while, figures it’s best not to complicate things more. Christopher just grumbles- the best that Eddie’s going to get out of him for now.

It’s around noon when Eddie shows up to the hospital; Buck is at the desk signing the last of his discharge papers. He’s in a grey sweatshirt that he didn’t have yesterday; one of the nurses must have given it to him. 

“Hey, Buck. No Maddie?”

He shakes his head. “She had to work.”

“Okay. We can give her a call later after you’re all settled in… you ready to go?”

Buck just nods, clutching the bag with his belongings so tightly that his knuckles turn white. If Eddie didn’t know any better, he’d say Buck was looking to bolt at the first chance he’d get.

Eddie nods towards the entrance. “C’mon, my trucks out front.” He tries to act like he doesn’t see Buck looking over his shoulder the whole way out to the truck. Eddie knows that move all too well; took him nearly six months after leaving the army to kick the fear that someone was tailing him.

When they get to the truck, Buck stops after opening the passenger door, a concerned look on his face. This makes Eddie stop and do the same thing, trying to figure out what changed in the last ten seconds. He asks, “What’s the matter?”

“I don’t have any clothes.”

Eddie takes in Buck’s appearance again. The zip-up hoodie and the green scrub pants he’s wearing were most definitely given to him by the hospital, as well as the slippers he’s wearing. The ratty clothes he’d had on the other night are probably sitting in the bottom of a garbage can somewhere, too late to get them back now.

“Oh. Right, that's- that's not something I thought of. Shit, um...” he trails off, trying to think of a way they can fix this before the end of the day. “Do you still have that cash that was on you?”

Buck nods. “Two hundred and forty-six dollars.”

The admission of the exact amount makes Eddie’s heart do something funny, but he covers it up. “Alright. There’s a Target not far from my house, we can stop there on our way and you can pick out some stuff. Sound good?”

Buck seems apprehensive, but goes along with the idea anyway. He stays quiet even after they’re in the car, gives only a shrug when Eddie asks if he has a radio preference. Buck sinks into his seat, drumming his fingers against his knee cap in a rapid, anxious fashion while he stares out the window.

Eddie begins to wonder if this is how Buck is all of the time or it’s just a result of trauma. On some level, he’s not sure that he wants to know the answer.

He keeps thinking back to what Maddie said the other day, about Buck being _missing_ for three years. Eddie still can’t wrap his head around it. How does someone disappear for that long and then manage to show up again still in one piece? Better yet, how does someone _stay_ hidden that long?

All of this can’t just be a coincidence.

“Did you live around here?” Eddie asks after a while.

Buck looks away from the window, looking put off by the question. “What?”

“Before. Did you live in the LA area or were you outside of town?”

The features of his face go tight. “Did Maddie say something to you?”

_Oh. He talked to Maddie. It’s better than nothing, I guess. At least he’s talking._

“Just that you were gone a while,” Eddie assures him. “She didn’t say anything else; I promise.”

Buck squirms in his seat, his eyes turning back to the road in front of him. “I lived with some guys near downtown for a few years, but I only really saw them coming to and from shifts. I doubt they even noticed that I was gone.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Eddie says with a bit of laugh, but Buck doesn’t so much as grin. Just sinks deeper into his seat. Eddie decides to change the subject. “Is Maddie your only sibling?”

Buck nods. “Our parents only planned on having one kid, hence the age difference.”

“Ah. Happy accident?”

“More like just an accident,” he says sourly.

_Damn. This guy really can’t catch a break, can he?_

Eddie lets the conversation drop as he pulls into the Target parking lot. He’s got a million more questions running through his head, but those can wait for another day.

Inside the store, he does his best not to roll his eyes as he walks with Buck to the clothing department. Eddie _detests_ shopping for clothes, but it’s looking a lot like they don’t have any other option. He wouldn’t be a very good host if he made Buck wear the same clothes day in and day out.

Eddie trails behind Buck as they walk around. Keeps enough distance not to hover over him but just enough to stay in Buck’s eye line, nodding at him every so often when Buck looks up for reassurance about whatever is in his hands. It’s interesting watching Buck sift through everything, picking items up just to put them on the rack again- like he doesn’t even know what he likes.

A little voice in his head says, _enough time spent in isolation will make anyone forget who they are-_ and Eddie feels sick just thinking about it.

In the end, Buck doesn’t walk away with much. A few t-shirts, two pairs of shorts, a pair of jeans, a pack of boxer briefs, and some socks; nothing special, really. Though as they walk towards the door, Eddie halts when he realizes Buck isn’t walking with him anymore.

Looking over his shoulder, he finds Buck a few feet back, his eye caught on a pair of white converse shoes at the end of an aisle. Eddie backtracks to where he is. “You like those?”

Buck nods without looking up. “I had a pair like this in high school; used to carry a toothbrush with me everywhere in case they got dirty.”

Eddie grins at the idea, imaging a teenaged Buck hunched over in front of a sink as he tries to keep his shoes in pristine condition. “You should get them,” he says. “I bet they’ve got your size.”

Buck rocks on his heels, debating with himself internally. Finally, Buck drops to a squat, digging through the stack until he finds the one and only size twelve tucked at the bottom. He holds the box close to his chest, a just barely there grin spreading across his face.

Eddie smiles right back at him. “Good to go?”

Buck’s eyes find his, brighter than Eddie’s ever seen them. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s go.” 

The grin doesn’t leave his face even as they make their way up to the registers and Eddie is relieved. There’s a gleam in Buck’s eyes that he hasn’t seen before as they load all the items onto the conveyor belt. Eddie watches the cashier as she scans everything. The number goes up and he starts to get worried. There’s a fair amount of stuff here and neither one of them looked at any of the prices-

After a minute, the cashier says, “That’ll be two hundred and sixty dollars even.”

Shit. Buck is fourteen dollars short.

Eddie looks over at him just in time for the light to go out of Buck’s eyes and he hates it. Buck starts biting his lip and looking around, trying to find a way to fix this. “Sorry,” he says, “I changed my mind about the shoes- can you take those off?”

“What?” Eddie interrupts. “No- wait. Leave the shoes. I’ll put the last of it on my card.”

“Eddie, stop,” Buck says in a muted voice, keeping Eddie from reaching for his wallet with a hand on his arm. “I’ll be fine without them; you don’t need to do that.” 

He pushes past the fact that Buck’s never said his name before until now and he already wants to hear it again. “Buck, those slippers barely fit your feet, that can’t be comfortable. I wouldn’t be a very good host if I let you walk around without shoes… Really, let me cover it. I want to.” 

Buck furrows his eyebrows, confused for some reason. He looks between Eddie and the cashier then down at the shoes again like he’s trying to make up his mind. He pulls his hand away and keeps his eyes downcast. “Okay,” Buck mutters almost shamefully. “Keep the shoes.”

Eddie ignores the odd look the cashier gives the both of them and places a pack of mint gum on top of the shoebox for good measure, flashing a tight smile at her. It’s his money, he’ll do what he wants with it. After it’s all been processed, Eddie takes the two bags from the cashier and then hands the shoes to Buck who still hasn’t met his eye.

It’s quiet between the two of them even after they make their way to the car. Eddie pops some gum into his mouth then tosses it in the backseat when Buck doesn’t want any. Eddie can’t tell if he overstepped with the shoes or not, but he guesses he can figure that out later.

Buck seems to shrink into himself more and more the closer they get to the house, the worry growing on his face. Eddie watches out of the corner of his eye as Buck pulls his scrub pants tight between his fingers only to release them again; it’s making Eddie’s own nerves act up, in all honesty.

When they pull up to the house, Eddie gets out of the car, greeting his Abuela on the front step with a kiss on her cheek. She gives him a run-down of the morning with Christopher and then peers over his shoulder towards the truck. “Is your new friend coming?”

Eddie looks over his own shoulder, finally realizing that Buck has yet to move from the front seat. He sighs to himself quietly. “He’s skittish around new people, Abuela. Give him time.”

“And what about Christopher? Is this new friend of yours going to be afraid of _him_?”

Oh. Damn. Eddie hadn’t thought of that.

“It’ll be fine,” he says, though he’s not sure he believes it himself at the moment. “Thank you again for watching him this morning; I know this is all kind of odd, but-.”

“ _But_ nothing. You are doing a good thing, Edmundo,” she says, patting the space over his heart. “I’m happy to help.” 

Eddie kisses her on the cheek again before walking her to her car with a promise of calling tomorrow with an update and _yes_ , he’ll make sure Christopher eats something.

After she’s driven off, he turns on his heel and walks back towards the truck, finding Buck _still_ sitting in the front seat. He pulls the door open, taking in the sight of Buck staring down at his hands. “You could’ve gotten out; she’s just my grandmother. It’s pretty hard to scare her- believe me, I’ve tried.”

“Didn’t wanna be a bother,” he mumbles shamefully. “Sorry.”

Eddie gives him a playful punch on the shoulder. “You don’t need to apologize. The adjustment period is always the hardest.”

Buck looks at him with wide eyes like he’s trying to figure out how Eddie could possibly know that, but he doesn’t press for details. Again, Eddie is grateful that Buck’s not the type to ask questions. He nods back towards the house, “C’mon, let’s get you settled.”

Buck trails slowly behind him as they head inside, keeping a white-knuckle grip on his new clothes. Eddie finds himself holding his breath as he goes inside. There’s no sign of Christopher in the living room or the kitchen. He drops his keys on the kitchen table, saying, “Chris, I’m back,” he calls into the house before turning back to Buck. “Do you wanna put your stuff down or-?”

Before Eddie can finish, he catches a curly mop of hair out of the corner of his eye. Christopher comes out into the lip of the hallway, bracing himself with one hand against the wall.

“Hey, bud. Did you have a good morning?” Eddie reaches out to ruffle his hair, but Christopher ducks away from the touch; he tries not to let the disappointment show on his face. When Christopher looks between the two men curiously, Eddie clears his throat, suddenly nervous. “Christopher this is my friend, Buck, I was telling you about. He’s going to stay with us for a bit, remember?”

He doesn’t respond, just tips his head back and looks at Eddie then over to Buck. Eddie finds himself holding his breath again; maybe all of this isn’t going to go as smoothly as he hoped.

Christopher narrows his eyes, looking Buck up and down like he’s trying to figure him out. The house is silent as he continues to stare him down. After an agonizingly long minute, he says, “Do you like Legos?”

Buck gapes at him for a second while his brain catches up. “Um, yeah. Yeah I like Legos.”

Much to both of their surprises, Christopher takes a step forward and reaches for Buck’s arm, tugging him into the hallway. “Follow me,” he says quietly.

Eddie watches with bated breath as Christopher pulls Buck into his bedroom and leads him to a pile of Legos that are spread out on a blanket across the floor. Buck follows Christopher’s lead, taking a seat at the opposite end of the blanket, then pauses before doing anything.

“What are you making?”

“A castle,” Christopher says. “You can build the dragon we have to defeat.”

“It might be bad.”

“That’s okay.”

Eddie takes a step back and leans against the wall as he collects himself, listening to Buck and Christopher make quiet conversation.

“Do you like superheroes?”

“Yeah. I’ve always been a fan of spiderman.”

“Superman is cooler.”

Buck lets out what sounds like a laugh. “You’re probably right.”

Eddie feels his heart swell as he listens. Christopher has been very resistant to new people in the last year since Shannon died- new adults, especially. The fact that he took to Buck so easily is really a surprise to Eddie. Maybe Christopher sees a hurt in Buck that he recognizes; maybe the both of them will find some healing out of this new situation.

He hopes it’s the latter.

In a strange way, he wishes Shannon was here to see this. He can only imagine what kind of things his late wife would have to say about him bringing a complete stranger into the same house as their son. If he thinks about it hard enough, he can picture her shaking her head at him with a smile on her face.

_“You Diaz boys have always been such charmers.”_

When his throat starts to get tight, Eddie shakes his head and pushes away from the wall. He walks across the hall to the guest room and pulls the spare sheets out of the dresser, airing them out. He keeps an ear pointed towards the door as he makes up the room, smiling to himself the entire time.

 _This is going to be good,_ he tells himself. _I can feel it._

After Eddie texts her the address, Maddie comes by later in the afternoon once her shift is over. She shows up with a duffle bag full of new clothes for Buck and some other necessities he might need- great minds, and all that. She doesn’t stay for dinner but does promise to come back soon. This time, Buck lets her hug him when she leaves and Eddie forces himself to look away when Maddie’s eyes get shiny.

Christopher doesn’t come out of his room at all while she’s there, but Eddie expected that. One win for the day is enough.

Now, as he moves around the kitchen getting dinner together, he caves, all but chomping at the bit to tell someone from work about all of this. He pulls out his phone, calling the first person that he could think of.

 _“You invited him to come live at your house?!”_ Hen exclaims over the phone _. “What the hell were you thinking?”_

Eddie knew he should’ve called Chimney first.

“I wanted to help,” he says. He keeps his voice quiet. “He’s not dangerous or anything- just scared, mostly. Hasn’t said much about whatever happened to him but I can’t imagine that it was any good.”

_“Hm. Never took you for having a hero complex.”_

Eddie rolls his eyes. “ _Hen_.”

 _“I’m kidding!”_ She says laughing. _“It’s nice that you’re looking out for this guy. That reminds me, I haven’t talked to Buckley’s sister Maddie in a while. I should check in with her, see if she wants to get lunch.”_

Eddie straightens up, his brow furrows. “Wait, did you say-.” He cuts himself off when Buck walks into the kitchen, his hair wet from a shower. “I gotta go. I’ll talk to you later- hey, good timing. Pizza’s almost done. Did you get settled in okay?”

Buck nods, hovering on the other side of the counter. “You made Pizza?”

“More like I stuck something in the oven and crossed my fingers that it doesn’t burn. I’m not very good in the kitchen. Frozen pizza is one of the few things I can manage. Do you know how to cook?”

Buck nods again, taking a seat.

“That’s cool,” Eddie says, moving towards the refrigerator. “Maybe you could teach me a thing or two. You want a beer?”

His eyes go glassy for a second before Buck shakes his head; Eddie takes it in stride and tosses him bottled water instead.

“Who was that on the phone?” Buck asks. 

“A friend from work. Oh, that reminds me, I’m on shift tomorrow so Christopher is going over to my Abuela’s. You can hang out here or you could call Maddie and see if she’s free.”

“Shift? Are you a paramedic?”

 _Huh. He’s familiar with the terminology. That’s not something I expected._ Eddie shakes his head. “Firefighter. We moved to LA a few-.”

Buck sputters, choking on the water in his mouth. He looks at Eddie with eyes wide as plates after he’s cleared his throat. “That- that’s not- you’ve gotta be kidding.”

Eddie gives him a funny look. He’s not really sure what the big deal is about his job. “No… why would I be kidding?”

Buck taps harshly on his breast bone. _“I_ used to be a firefighter. I was at station one-eighteen. I-I worked under Bobby Nash.”

Eddie feels a chill run through his entire body as the realization dawns on him. He runs over everything in his head.

There’s no way. This can’t be the same guy that used to work with his team. The timeline adds up the more he thinks about it. And Hen’s mention of a sister also named Maddie- that can’t be a coincidence either. The team always talked about Buckley in past tense but… none of them ever said anything about him being _dead_ just that he was _gone._

His brain finally catches up to his mouth. “Wait, Buck, like- like short for _Buckley_?”

Buck nods again and Eddie swears something in his brain short circuits; how did he not figure that one out sooner?

“… Holy Fuck. You’re not gonna believe this…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTOPHER IS HERE! His interaction with Buck is my favorite in the whole chapter. 
> 
> I only just started chapter four last night so it might be a hot minute before that's up, but no worries. It'll come sooner than later. Thanks to everyone who's been commenting! You guys are the best!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they pull into the lot, Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Buck’s face goes pale; his hands miss as he blindly reaches for the door handle. Buck takes slow steps as they get closer to the building, stopping altogether right outside of the door.
> 
> Eddie comes to a stop at Buck’s right side, watching as Buck’s face morphs into something that Eddie hasn’t seen before. Could be sadness. Maybe a little fond- it’s hard to tell. “What are you thinking about?” 
> 
> Buck’s voice barely reaches a whisper when he says, “…what if they hate me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This starts out on a light note and then gets heavy real quick. There's a fairly detailed flashback/panic attack in the back half of this chapter, just a heads up. Also some talk of Buck's trauma. Enjoy!

Once dinner is over and Christopher is in bed, Eddie can’t stop himself from asking Buck every last question that comes to mind. He can’t help it. Now that he knows who Buck really is, he wants to know everything.

“I tried to join the Navy Seals originally,” Buck tells him. “I was twenty and just moved out of my parent's place- felt like I needed to prove that I could be better than where I came from, you know? But the Seals just wanted me to shut my emotions off, be someone else… I didn’t want to do that anymore. I took a few odd jobs before applying for the fire academy. The one-eighteen was my first placement. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

A nagging voice in Eddie’s head says:  _ then why’d you leave? _

“How long were you there?”

“A little over three years. I had just turned twenty-four when…” Buck trails off, shaking his head like he’s ridding himself of the thoughts. “You really thought my last name was Kendall?”

“You didn’t say Maddie was  _ married _ ,” Eddie exclaims and Buck just grins at him. 

“Used to be. The best thing  _ she _ ever did was leave him.”

The conversation goes on for an hour. By the end of it, Eddie has heard nearly a dozen of the same stories that Chimney and Hen have told him over the years. All of them referencing some blond-haired kid who was always getting himself into trouble one way or another. Something about getting to hear the stories from the man himself makes them even better.

“All of them are still at the one-eighteen?” Buck asks, almost in disbelief.

He nods. “Chimney, Hen, Bobby- all of them. We’ve had a few floaters, but no else has joined since I’ve been there.”

“Damn… sounds like the place hasn’t changed a bit.” Buck gets this fond look in his eye, a welcome change from the unease that’s often found there. 

Eddie gets a tingly sensation on the top of his head, an idea brewing right before his eyes. “Do you want to find out for yourself?”

It’s another couple of days before Eddie brings Buck to work with him, letting Buck get comfortable with the idea first, and it’s like pulling teeth trying to keep the secret until then. It feels like he’s ten years old all over again. He keeps himself distracted while he’s on shift, keeping as much distance between his coworkers as he can when they’re not on calls so he doesn’t slip and say something. He almost breaks when Hen asks him how the new “roommate” is working out; for a minute, Eddie forgets that he even told her.

“Uh, g-good. It’s good,” he stammers, pitifully. “He’s fitting in really well.”

He ignores her for the rest of shift for fear of saying the wrong thing and ruining the secret.

When the day finally comes, Eddie is up an hour before his alarm. He spent half the night lying awake imagining how his crew is going to react to seeing their friend again and he just wants the moment to hurry and get here so that they can all enjoy it.  Buck, on the other hand, looks two seconds away from vibrating out of his skin entirely. His whole body is tense and the redness under his eyes is impossible to miss.

After they drop Christopher off at school, Buck sits in the passenger seat next to Eddie, his legs rattling up down at rapid speed. It’s a wonder how he hasn’t exhausted himself yet. Eddie watches him out of the corner of his eye, silently wondering if this was a bad idea.

He catches Buck scratching absently at the scar on his forearm. The skin around it is turning red from the drag of his blunt fingernails. Eddie asks, “You okay?”

Buck looks over at him, then down at his arm, then flushes and rubs his palm over it. “Yeah, yeah- it itches sometimes.”

Against his better judgment, he lets it go.

When they pull into the lot, Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Buck’s face goes pale; his hands miss as he blindly reaches for the door handle. Buck takes slow steps as they get closer to the building, stopping altogether right outside of the door.

Eddie comes to a stop at Buck’s right side, watching as Buck’s face morphs into something that Eddie hasn’t seen before. Could be sadness. Maybe a little fond- it’s hard to tell. “What are you thinking about?” 

Buck’s voice barely reaches a whisper when he says, “…what if they hate me?”

Eddie shakes his head even though Buck isn’t looking. “I’ve heard the way they talk about you. That’s not true. Not even close.”

Buck nods once, seemingly trying to reassure himself. He lets out an uneven breath, his hands shaking where they hang at his sides. Buck reaches behind himself, not stopping until he finds Eddie’s hand and closes his fingers around Eddie’s palm; Eddie squeezes back, his silent promise that he’s not going to leave him alone during this.

“Only if you want to, Buck.”

Two more shaky breaths later, Buck nods again and Eddie squeezes his hand one more time before letting go and leading him inside.

The apron is emptier than usual when they go inside; the previous shift must still be out on a call. As soon as they come in, Eddie spots Chimney, Hen, and Bobby up in the loft area moving around the dining table. Judging by the smell, Bobby made biscuits to go with breakfast this morning. None of them have noticed Eddie or Buck yet.

“You know what you wanna say?”

Buck shakes his head, his eyes wide and borderline desperate.

“I got an idea,” Eddie says quietly, before turning his attention back towards the loft. With a raised voice, he calls, “ _ Hey _ _!_ I brought a friend with me today, is that alright?”

In a second, all heads turn towards them and it’s an instant domino effect of various reactions. Eddie contents himself with just watching.

Chimney drops the bowl in his hands as well as his jaw. Bobby makes a face like he’s just seen the holy ghost and all of his ghoulish friends. Hen gasps loudly before making a mad dash for the staircase, yelling incoherently the entire time.

When she reaches the bottom of the stairs, Buck has all of two seconds to prepare himself before Hen is throwing her arms around his neck, wrapping him up in a tight hug. He goes stiff at first, then eventually relaxes into it and hugs her back. His voice is small and quiet when he says, “Hi, Hen.”

Chimney comes up behind them slowly, looking Buck up and down like he’s trying to pick out something that’s wrong with him. When Hen steps back, he says, “How ya feeling Rambo?”

“I-I still don’t know who that is.”

“Oh my God, it really is you!” Chimney exclaims, earning a laugh out of Hen. He steps forward, giving Buck a one-armed bro hug, patting him on the shoulder a few times. “It’s good to see you, man.”

Bobby hovers at the bottom of the staircase, just watching Buck carefully like he’s afraid he’ll slip away again if he doesn’t stop watching.

Buck gets that fearful look in his eye again as he spots Bobby. “Hey, Cap.” 

“…Athena’s gonna kill you for this.”

Buck drops his head but still smiles, “I know.”

Bobby lifts an arm, inviting Buck into his space and for once, Buck doesn’t hesitate. He takes a step forward, moving his arms under Bobby’s and presses his hands against the middle of Bobby’s back. When he ducks his chin into Bobby’s shoulder, no one misses the way that Buck begins to shake- letting go of all that he’s been holding in for only God knows how long. Bobby’s arm falls around Buck’s shoulders and he just holds on tighter.

“I didn’t, um,” Buck stammers, his voice muffled by Bobby’s uniform. “I didn’t mean to-.”

“I know,” Bobby says. “I missed you, too, kid.”

Eddie just stands back and watches, pleased to see that his second family found a part of themselves again, and that Buck seemed to find a shred of peace in all this craziness. It’s a good day, Eddie decides. One of the best he’s had in nearly a year.

“I don’t understand,” Hen says after a while, looking bewildered. “How did this happen? Since when do you two know each other?”

“Remember that guy I was telling you about? Walked out of the woods and in front of my car?” Eddie points towards Buck. “Here he is.”

Hen’s eyebrows reach her hairline. “Buck’s your new roommate!?”

“Since when is Buck your roommate,” Chimney asks, then turns towards Hen. “Wait- you knew and  _ you didn’t tell me _ !?”

Hen ignores him in favor of asking Buck. “What the hell were you doing in the woods?”

Buck straightens his spine, his left hand reaches for the scar on his arm again, rubbing anxiously. “You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

Eddie doesn’t know whether to be sad or concerned for Buck’s sake.

They take the reunion upstairs. As soon as they all sit down in the common area, the stories start spilling out almost instantly. Old tales that Eddie hasn’t heard before making them laugh until their sides split. It’s the most Eddie’s heard Buck say at one time since they met. It’s the most he’s heard Bobby  _ laugh _ . It’s good to see Buck comfortable finally. It’s clear that he still trusts these people with his life and then some. 

It’s almost odd watching the way his crew acts around Buck. Sure, they knew him first and it’s been three years- but still. None of them can tear their eyes away from him. Eddie wonders if it was like this before, too. Buck being the golden boy in such a big house, it’s not hard to believe given the handful of other stories he’s heard.

Eddie just wonders if this version of Buck is at all like the one the team remembers- the one they obviously love so much.

Athena strolls into the firehouse an hour later and if Eddie didn’t know any better, he’d think she’d been  _ crying; _ he didn’t even notice that Bobby had called her. She stands at the top of the stairs, pursing her lips like she’s trying to keep herself from getting worked up. It’s startling in a way, seeing her be anything other than stoic and commanding.

Buck pushes himself off the couch when all the heads in the room turn towards her. He stands there with a wary look on his face, wringing his hands together and waiting for a reaction.

Athena shakes her head, her face twists into something fond and says, “Get over here.”

Buck stalls for a second before forcing himself to move towards her, his hands going to her waist while Athena’s arms wrap around his shoulders.

Eddie is starting to notice a pattern. Buck’s got that same look on his face that he did when he first saw Maddie again and when Hen came towards him earlier; like he’s afraid that something is going to hurt him. He wonders if maybe it was a  _ woman _ who was hurting him all this time- but Eddie doesn’t voice his questions. Buck’s having a good moment, he’d hate to take that away from him.

When Eddie pulls himself out of his thoughts, Athena is pulling Buck towards the couch. When they sit, Buck rests his hands on his knees and says. “Okay. Everyone’s here. What’d I miss?”

Bobby and Athena are married now. Hen and Karen are getting ready to welcome a baby girl into the world. Chimney is still  _ single _ Chimney, but he’s less bothered by it now.

“Your sister came by the firehouse a couple of times,” Chimney notes. “I’m surprised she didn’t call Bobby the second she knew you were back.”

“Y-Yeah. I asked her not to tell anyone.”

“What? Why not?”

Buck struggles to come up with an answer, his jaw works as he tries to find the right words.

“Some things are better when you get to see them for yourself,” Eddie supplies. “Right, Buck?”

He nods quickly, grateful for the assist. A second later, the alarms go off and everyone is up out of their seats and moving towards the trucks. On his way to the stairs, Bobby stops and turns over his shoulder. “You wanna tag along, Buck? Just for old time's sake?”

Eddie pauses as well; Buck is pale in the face where he stands in front of the couch, wringing his hands tightly together. He looks between Eddie and Bobby nervously and swallows heavily. “N-No, that’s okay. I’ll stay here.”

“You sure? You’re more than welcome to come.”

Buck averts his eyes and shakes his head; Athena’s saddles up next to him, slinking her arm around his back.

“It’s alright, he’ll stay here with me,” she says. “We’ve got some of our own catching up to do.”

Buck smiles timidly before looking back to Eddie and Bobby, nodding again. Eddie takes another long look at him before darting off towards the rig along with the rest of his team. Right after he’s pulled on his gear and reaching for the door when a hand falls on his shoulder.

Looking over, he finds Bobby giving him a misty-eyed smile. “Thank you.”

Eddie shrugs as he says, “I was just doing my job, Cap,” but even he knows that’s not the half of it. He can’t put his finger on it, but something’s shifted. Something changed when Eddie met Buck and invited him into his little world- one that he was already a part of as luck would have it. Things are different now. He’d be an idiot not to notice.

He just hopes that Buck is happy about it. That he doesn’t regret letting Eddie do all of this for him.

Recovery isn’t all that it’s cooked up to be; Eddie knows that. Though, when it’s tied to someone else, he tends to forget. 

Buck has nightmares often. A lot of mornings, Eddie finds him asleep on the couch in the living room if he’s even slept at all. Eddie hears him sometimes when he gets up to use the bathroom at night- thrashing in his sheets and making pained noises down the hall. He thinks about going in there sometimes and waking up Buck, but he’s not sure if that would help or hurt the situation more, so he doesn’t do anything.

There’s a lot of little things about Buck that Eddie’s still picking up on, too. He doesn’t like being in rooms with the door shut or not being in control of his hands- or having his wrists area be touched at all, for that matter. Buck shuts down and more or less forgets how to talk when he’s scared. It only takes a couple of days and one particularly loud nightmare for Eddie to figure that one out. 

But  _ God _ can this kid cook. He obviously had access to a kitchen and plenty of time on his hands at some point in his life. Every night there’s something new on the table, stuff that Eddie’s never even heard of before but  _ damn _ is it good. He’s so grateful for not having to eat canned soup four nights a week that Eddie doesn’t know what to do other than keep the fridge stocked and say thank you.

One night, before he can stop himself, Eddie asks him, “Where’d you learn to do all this?”

Buck freezes in the middle of scooping up lasagna onto a plate, his eyes going foggy and blank. “She wanted me to be a house husband.” It’s so quiet that Eddie has to strain his ears just to hear him. Buck pushes a plate towards his chest before Eddie can ask any questions. “Careful. It’s hot.”

_ He said she. Was he living with some girl? Were they together? _ Eddie’s eyes fall to the scarring around Buck’s wrists again, a cold, sick feeling growing in his gut.  _ Did he even want to be there?  _

After seeing the horrified look on his face, Eddie doesn’t press it again that night. 

It all starts to come to a head one day a few weeks in.

It’s one of Eddie’s rare Saturdays off so he’s trying to make the most of it. He’s walking through the grocery store with Buck and Christopher looking over everything in their cart. “Chris, can you think of anything we’re missing?”

Christopher just shrugs. Eddie breathes deeply through his nose as they turn down the frozen aisle. He can’t help but feel like they’re forgetting something. He pats around his chest and his pockets to feel for his phone and realizes it’s not even on him. He must have set it down when they grabbed Deli meat and didn’t even notice.

“Crap, I left my phone back there,” Eddie says with a grimace. “Here- you two keep looking, I’ll be back in a minute.”

Eddie does his best speed walk back over to the deli and sighs in relief when he spots his phone right where he had left it. Just as quickly as before, Eddie turns on his heel and heads back towards the frozen section. Halfway there, he hears a crash from an aisle up ahead. A second later, he hears “Dad!” And every instinct in him tells him that it’s Christopher calling out.

“Chris?” Eddie picks up his pace, dodging around customers that are walking in front of him. He rounds the corner to the frozen aisle, expecting Christopher to have fallen and knocked something over, but it’s not him. It’s Buck.

Buck is sitting on the ground and curled up against one of the freezers, seemingly trying to make himself small as possible. A display of boxed ice cream cones is scattered across the floor next to him. His face is buried in his knees, his arms shielding the rest of his face; Christopher stands at Buck’s side looking frightened by the whole scene.

“Buck?” Eddie races over and drops to his knees next to Buck. He recoils when Eddie lays a hand on his shoulder. He looks up at Christopher, “What happened?”

“I d-don’t know,” Christopher says. “I think he got scared.”

Eddie furrows his brow. What could have set him off? People are starting to stare. Eddie can hear Buck wheezing now, muttering to himself between every shaky exhale.

“I don’t- I don’t wanna go,” Buck mumbles, his voice panicked. “Don’t- don’t make me go, Ali. Please. Please, I’m sorry.”

All the hairs on Eddie’s arms stand up; everything clicks all at once. Buck is having a flashback- no wonder he’s so freaked out. He probably doesn’t even know where he is anymore.

Eddie can’t just sit here and watch him have his own internal struggle. He lays his hands on Buck’s shoulders again and doesn’t let up when he draws back from the touch. Eddie leans in close so that only Buck can hear him.

"Buck. Buck, it’s Eddie, listen to me- you don't have to go with her. Alright? No one is going to take you away, I promise.” Eddie moves one of his hands to the back of Buck’s neck, hoping that the added pressure helps soothe him. “Just breathe for me, okay? In for four seconds, pause, and then out for four.”

Christopher leans on his crutches with one hand and places the other on Buck’s shoulder. “It’s okay, Buck,” he says. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.”

Eddie feels an ounce of pride watching his son care for Buck. It takes another minute of coaxing, but eventually Buck sounds less like he’s being smothered. Eddie keeps talking to him quietly, reminding him where he is and that no one is coming to take him away despite whatever his brain is telling him.

When Buck finally settles, his body loses its rigid stance. His arms fall away from his face. His head falls back against the glass door behind him with a sigh. When his eyes open, they dart around for a second before finding Eddie and Christopher, looking relieved at the sight of both of them.

“Hey,” Eddie says gently. “You back with us?”

Buck just nods, still trying to breathe like a normal person. He looks embarrassed now more than anything. Like his brain just caught up to reality and that he remembered he was in a grocery store of all places. He holds his hand up in front of his eyes like that’s going to hide him from all of the nosy onlookers still walking by.

Eddie knows what he would do in a moment like this if  _ he _ was the one freaking out, but he’s not, so he has to ask. “How do you wanna do this Buck?”

Buck’s voice is raspy and tired. “Can we just go home?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course,” Eddie says with a nod, his heart skipping a beat when Buck refers to it as  _ home _ . Yet another thing to be addressed at a later time. 

He helps Buck to his feet and keeps a hand on the back of his neck as they make their way out of the aisle with Christopher a few steps behind them. Eddie doesn’t bother with the cart; he can come back for groceries later. For now, he just focuses on getting out of the store and out to the truck without setting Buck off again.

Buck stays quiet even after they’re in the truck and Eddie can’t blame him. He pulls his hood down over his eyes and slumps down into his seat, blocking out the rest of the world.

Eddie keeps looking back at Christopher in the rearview mirror. He doesn’t seem freaked out by what happened, just confused more than anything. If he asks about it later, Eddie doesn’t have a clue how he’s going to try and explain it, but he’ll come up with something.

When they get back to the house, Buck goes straight to his room but doesn’t shut the door- not that anyone living here would expect him to.

Eddie sets Christopher up with the TV remote then makes his way to Buck’s room and finds him lying flat on the bed, facing away from the door. Eddie knocks so that Buck knows he’s there but doesn’t come in.

“You don’t need to give me all the details right now,” he tells Buck. “I just wanna know if there’s a way I can keep this from happening in the future. Or what set you off, at least.”

Buck keeps his voice flat, “…thought I saw Ali. I thought she was coming to get me.”

“Ali? Who’s that?”

“The woman who kept me locked in her house for three years.” 

A violent chill runs through his entire body. Not knowing what else to do, Eddie says, “Okay… is there anything else you wanna tell me?”

Buck shakes his head and Eddie doesn’t press it any further. “Alright,” he says, throat tight. “I’ll be out here if you need me. Try and get some sleep.”

Eddie walks away, waiting until he’s in the safety of his bedroom to let out a rough, shaky breath.

Some woman kept Buck locked up for  _ three years _ . For what? Some sick game? Or did she think her actions were justifiable somehow? The more Eddie thinks about it the more it starts to make sense. It explains why Buck gets nervous when the front door shuts behind him, and his  _ “She wanted me to be a house husband,” _ comment. The scarring on his hands makes sense, too; if this woman was keeping him somewhere or god forbid  _ tying him down _ -

Eddie shakes the thoughts out of head, feeling sick to his stomach just imaging them. He goes into the living room and sits on the couch then pretends to pay attention to whatever movie Christopher is watching. He tries to act like this newfound information isn’t more than enough reason to call Athena and beg her to come over here. As much as he wants to, he can’t be sure that Buck would forgive him for going behind his back like that. 

Two hours later, Eddie looks over when he hears the floorboards creak and finds Buck coming out of his room and into the hallway. He looks just as restless and haunted as before if not more and  _ good God _ Eddie wishes he could fix it. 

“You get any sleep?”

Buck shakes his head before sitting on the floor in front of the couch, his head tipped back and pointed towards the front door. Like he’s keeping watch in case somebody tries to get in.

Eddie hates watching him hurt so obviously. He wants to broach the idea of therapy with Buck- but he doesn’t even know what happened. Not entirely, anyway. The things he mentioned today are just pieces of a larger story- one that Eddie is almost afraid to hear given what he already knows.

Just as well, it feels like overstepping- and a lot like the pot calling the kettle black. It’s not like Eddie’s very good at admitting when he’s hurting, either. He can’t push Buck to talk about his trauma if he can’t even address his own.

_ I invited Buck here because I thought I could help. If I can’t do that, what reason does he have to stay? What if he doesn’t feel comfortable here anymore and decides to leave earlier than expected? _

_ What if I can’t keep him from leaving? _

Eddie tears his eyes away from the back of Buck’s head, spinning circles in his brain trying to come up with a solution to all of this. When the movie ends and he’s still come up with nothing, it feels like failing at his job on a whole new level- and he can’t keep himself from being upset about it. 

A small voice in his head says:  _ Shannon would know what to do. She always had the right thing to say.  _

Eddie swallows the knot that’s formed in his throat and burrows deeper into the couch cushions, wishing more than anything that his wife was here to tell him how to fix this. Maybe then it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Maybe then he could find a decent way to help. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is (also) going to be dealing with trauma, from Buck and Eddie, so shit is going to get heavy once again. I'll keep an eye on my tags and see if I need to adjust anything, but please do let me know if you think something needs to be added! I hope you liked it!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie keeps thinking about how Buck is going to leave someday. Likely to go live with Maddie once she gets her apartment situation all figured out- and Eddie kind of hates it. He’s grown attached to this goof, too. Hell, he can’t even remember what his life was like before he met Buck.
> 
> _If Buck said he wanted to stay forever, I’d let him._
> 
> So, with all that being said, Eddie’s really not expecting it when Buck says, “I think I wanna go back to work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The state of the world along with a certain 9-1-1 cast member doing well, _that_ , made this chapter hard to focus on and finish. My apologies for the wait! Also, there are conversations about death and domestic abuse in the this chapter as well as a small mention of suicide/self harm, so feel free to take your time with this if need be.

For the life of him, Eddie finds it impossible to get Buck’s words out of his head. Even after he’s had the chance to sleep and try and put the day behind him, they still won’t leave him alone.

_“The woman who kept me locked in her house for three years.”_

He can’t stop seeing it. Eddie keeps picturing Buck tied up in some house, left alone with some strange woman who had been using him for some sick game.

_“She wanted me to be a house husband.”_

The next day, it’s nearly impossible for Eddie to focus during his shift; Hen keeps giving him weird looks after catching him staring off into space more than once. As much as he wants to tell her to knock it off, he knows she’d just ask questions and doesn’t want to deal with that. Not yet, anyway.

If Buck is onto Eddie’s newfound caginess, he doesn’t say anything about it. His hands start to sweat every time that Buck looks at him for more than a second. He feels like a teenager all over again in all the worst ways.

That night, after Christopher has showered and gone to bed, Eddie goes straight to the kitchen and cracks open a beer. One part because he’s thirsty and the other part because he feels like he’s one wrong move from flying off the handle altogether

He’s so distracted that he doesn’t realize Buck is behind him until he hears, “Are you okay?”

Eddie jumps a foot in the air, bracing his hands against his chest. Buck looks just as startled, holding his hands up as well.

“Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I-.”

“It’s alright, Buck,” Eddie assures him. “Knee jerk reaction to being at war.”

“You served?”

Eddie hums in agreement and sits at the kitchen table; Buck follows his lead. “Two tours in the army. I enlisted before Christopher was born and stayed until he was about six.”

“Damn. How did you…” Buck trails off, twisting his mouth around as he shakes his head.

“You can ask, Buck. I won’t get mad. I promise.”

“Coming home, after being gone- how did you deal with that?”

“Honestly? Not well. The first few weeks it felt like I was walking around in a fog. I was home but it didn’t feel like it. I was agitated all the time; kept distancing myself from my family even though they were right in front of me. It took the better part of a year before I really started to feel like myself again.”

“How’d you manage that?”

“I started letting things go, stopped carrying them with me everywhere I went. That way the things I’d seen wouldn’t hurt so much. It worked, for a while. We moved out of El Paso after I got accepted to the LAFD … Then the accident happened and all that progress went out the window.”

“Accident?”

Eddie stills in his seat, realizing he’s said more than he meant to. He meets Buck’s eye just in time for Buck to put the pieces together.

“Oh,” he says quietly. Then he adds, “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

_I don’t. But I should. I can’t keep holding it in._ Eddie drags the back of his hand across his forehead and tries to think of where to start. In the nearly a year since it happened, Eddie hasn’t found a way to tell this story without completely falling apart.

“I was on shift when it happened. A call came in about a hit and run accident, and when we got there… my wife had a broken neck and Christopher was in the back seat, screaming bloody murder. Everything is kind of foggy after that; Cap wouldn’t let me anywhere near the car. I don’t remember much of it and Christopher won’t talk to me about it. That was the last time he let me hold him.”

“Wait. Christopher hasn’t let you touch him like… like _at all_?”

“Only if he absolutely has to. Getting in and out of the car, maybe help in the shower- that’s one thing. But anything more than a fist bump and he pulls away from me. Even then, I might as well not even try. I’ve tried talking to him about it a couple of times, but he just shuts down on me and walks off. I think he’s mad at me for not being there.”

“How is that your fault? You were at work-.”

“But I wasn’t supposed to be.” He hasn’t told anyone this before. “I picked up a shift that morning because Bobby was down a man. If I hadn’t said yes then I would’ve been in the car with them. I could have done something to help. Maybe then my son wouldn’t hate me so much.”

In a second, Buck gets up from his seat across the room and hugs Eddie tight around the shoulders and if he’s being completely honest with himself, he needs it. He can’t remember the last time someone held him like this. Eddie pats him on the back, surprised by the whole thing. He wants so badly to sink into it, but he can’t. If Eddie lets himself have this now there’s a chance that he’ll never be able to pull himself away.

After a minute, Buck sinks back into his seat and Eddie misses the touch instantly. He reaches for his beer. He doesn’t even want it anymore, but he needs to do something with his hands before they start shaking. He’s got half of the label peeled off when Buck speaks up.

“You can ask, if you want to.”

“What?”

“I asked you a hard question, now it’s your turn to ask me one. Fair is fair.”

He shakes his head. “Buck-.”

“No, really it’s- I know you have to be curious. Look at me, I’m like a walking train wreck. It’s probably time that I start letting some of it go.”

Eddie chooses his words carefully. “That scar on your arm. How’d you get it?”

Buck’s face goes pale and he tears his eyes away, looking ashamed of himself. “I was trying to leave.”

Eddie feels his heart sink into his stomach at the implication; Buck looks up a second later, realizing the poor choice of words.

“Not, no- not like that! I wasn’t trying to kill myself or anything like that, I promise. I just- I thought that if I was hurt badly enough then she’d have to take me to a hospital. Then I could slip a note to one of the nurses and get away from her- but it didn’t work. My hand “slipped” while I was prepping something for dinner. I started bleeding like a stuck pig and Ali stood there and watched. She just let me bleed… by the time I realized help wasn’t going to come, I passed out. She must’ve stitched me up at some point while I was out- I don’t remember it.

“That’s when I knew she didn’t care about me at all. She just wanted me there to live out some weird fantasy. I was just a pawn to her.”

Listening to Buck pour his heart out feels like a kick to the stomach. Eddie gets progressively angrier the longer the information sits with him. God help him if he ever meets this woman and lets her get away unscathed.

“You know that’s not your fault right,” Eddie says. “All those things she did to you, you didn’t deserve it, Buck.”

His bottom lip wobbles almost imperceptibly. “I know,” Buck whispers. “It’s trying to make myself _believe_ it… that’s the hard part.”

An ache blooms in Eddie’s chest. He knows that feeling all too well; it’s one of the things that still keeps him up at night with little reprieve.

“Give it some time, Buck,” Eddie says lowly, trying to keep his voice from breaking. “You just got out of a situation that most people couldn’t imagine in their wildest dreams. It’s gonna take more than a minute to start believing in yourself again. There’s not a time limit on healing.”

Buck gives a watery laugh. “You sound like Bobby.”

“Well, what can I say? The man knows what he’s talking about.” Eddie feels pleased when Buck manages a small chuckle. He looks down at his watch; it’s after ten. He has a shift tomorrow and he still needs a shower and to start a load of laundry before he so much as thinks about crawling into bed for the night.

Eddie looks up at Buck; his eyes are glossy and faraway. “Are you gonna be okay?”

Buck nods once, then again a few seconds later once he’s seemed to have found his bearings again. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

Eddie takes the positive note and decides not to question it. He dumps his now warm beer in the sink. When he crosses back to the hallway, Buck surprises him with a question.

“How long did it take you?”

“How long did what take?”

“For you to believe that the accident wasn’t your fault.”

Buck says it so assuredly that Eddie doesn’t know what to do with himself. For a minute, all he can do is stare at Buck’s face, wondering who he has to thank for letting this man into his life. With an honest, shaky voice Eddie says, “I’m still working on that one.”

When Buck gets up this time, Eddie sees the hug coming. Buck is gentler this time. He gives Eddie a chance to react before tucking his arms around Eddie’s waist. Eddie lays his right arm around Buck’s shoulders, leaning into the touch while his left hand comes to the small of Buck’s back. He breathes in deeply and lets his eyes fall shut, allowing himself to have this for as long as he can.

_I didn’t realize how much I missed having someone to lean on until you came around._

With a hand on the back of Buck’s head, Eddie pulls back just enough to press a tender kiss to Buck’s forehead. He can’t help it. Both of them need it; Eddie can feel it.

“Goodnight,” he says, still whispering against Buck’s temple. “Get some sleep, alright?”

Buck nods before pulling away and trailing off to his room. Eddie practically floats into his own bedroom, feeling lighter than he has in years. He falls back onto the bed, staring up at the ceiling. His next shift isn’t until noon- the shower and laundry can wait until after Christopher is at school. Eddie doesn’t even bother with the covers, just kicks off his pants and lets himself drift off without a care in the world.

By some miracle- and for the first time in months- neither one of them have nightmares. When they wake up in the morning, nothing is going to hurt.

Eddie decides that Buck is nothing short of a miracle.

Christopher has attached himself to Buck’s hip in the month that he’s been there. Eddie’s started letting Christopher stay home with Buck while he’s on shift and it’s going better than expected. The two of them are always in the kitchen when he comes home; Christopher likes to watch over Buck’s arm as he cooks. Buck got him to laugh over dinner the other night, and honestly, Eddie was starting to worry that he’d never get to hear that sound again.

Just as well, this whole setup is doing wonders for Buck, too. Buck has finally filled into his clothes again. He’s less skittish and more apt to hold a conversation, even if it’s something trivial.

Despite all of this goodness, Eddie keeps thinking about how Buck is going to leave someday. Likely to go live with Maddie once she gets her apartment situation all figured out- and Eddie kind of hates it. He’s grown attached to this goof, too. Hell, he can’t even remember what his life was like before he met Buck.

_If Buck said he wanted to stay forever, I’d let him._

So, with all that being said, Eddie’s _really_ not expecting it when Buck says, “I think I wanna go back to work.”

Eddie comes to halt, hands hovering over the table where he’s setting places for dinner. Buck’s mentioned the job a couple of times before, but always in passing and in past tense. This is the first time he’s been forward about it.

“Yeah?”

Buck nods. “Maddie and I were talking over lunch today. She was telling me about a call she had the other day and… I don’t know. I miss being a part of the action, you know? I want to help. Not just be on the sidelines watching it. What d’you think?”

His knee jerk reaction is to say _are you sure about this_ but he knows that’s not what Buck needs to hear right now. That’ll just make him panic and think that Eddie is turning into Ali- that he’s trying to keep him inside the house for his own gain. He struggles to find the right words. “That, um- that sounds great, Buck… I think it’d be really good for you.”

Buck grins from ear to ear and Eddie’s concern is quickly met with his pride. He’s not going to hold Buck back from the things he wants, even if it worries him.

They both agree that they’ll call Bobby in the morning to see what can be done about getting Buck reinstated. Then, Buck mentions something about having Maddie over for dinner, and the next thing they know they’re on the phone with Athena making plans for not just Maddie but the whole team to have dinner at the Grant-Nash household after shift that coming weekend. 

_“It’ll be a coming home celebration,”_ Athena says gleefully. _“Buck, don’t make that face. You were gone a long time, let us appreciate having you back for an hour or two.”_

When the day comes, Buck is anxious from the moment he wakes up- Eddie doesn’t have to ask. It’s written all over his face. He tries to give Buck his space and not press him to talk about whatever it is that’s eating at him. By the time they’re all ready to head over to Bobby and Athena’s, Eddie can’t ignore how Buck’s leg shakes in the truck. He keeps biting at his bottom lips and chewing at his fingernails.

“Buck?”

Buck whips around to look at him from where he’d been staring at the window. “Hm?”

“You gonna be okay?”

Buck flushes then tugs at the collar of his shirt. “Yeah. I’m fine.”

It’s a half-assed confirmation at best, but Eddie doesn’t want to push. He trusts Buck’s judgment- he knows his limits. If he’s not feeling up for a family dinner anymore, all it takes is one word and Eddie will grab Christopher and they’ll go home.

He spares a glance back at Christopher in the rearview. He’s been oddly quiet the last few days and Eddie’s got a pretty good guess as to why. “Chris, how are you feeling?”

“Fine,” he mumbles lowly.

The anniversary of the accident is coming up in a couple of days, and if Eddie’s being entirely honest with himself, he’s already feeling stressed about it.

_Please, just let this be a good day for them both._

Athena greets them at the door when they arrive and the first thing she does is pull Buck in for a hug. “You better get used to that,” she says fondly. “We got three years of hugs to make up for.”

Everyone else is already there when they get to the living room. Chimney spots them first, raising his glass and pointing towards Buck. “Hey- it’s the man of the hour!”

This pulls a few whoops and hollers from the small group; Buck flushes under the attention, giving everyone a small wave. He makes his way into the kitchen, saddling up next to Bobby and steering clear of the living-room crowd.

Eddie can tell that Buck is a bit overwhelmed at first but watches him slowly relax into it over the course of the night. He loses some of the tension in his shoulders and starts to let himself laugh. Eddie barely gets to talk to him for the first two hours; he keeps getting pulled into conversations by other station members- all of them saying the same things over and over again.

_Where’ve you been man?_

_Why’d you leave?_

_It’s so crazy that you just disappeared like that. We all thought you were dead. What gives dude?_

Eddie overhears that last one. He looks over just in time to watch Buck fight back a shudder and then paint a smile on his face as he says, “Sometimes you just get lost.”

Eddie really wishes that people would learn to mind their own business. After that, it’s all he can do not to walk up to Buck and pull him away from every unwanted conversation that people keep pulling him into. He does his best to stay nearby without hovering too much.

When the cake finally comes up, Eddie is helping pass out pieces when he notices Buck staring off into the backyard, a confused look on his face. He walks over to where Buck is. “What’s up?”

“Is… Is Chim flirting with my sister?”

Eddie follows Buck’s eye line, spotting Chimney and Maddie talking in one of the far corners of the yard. He says something and Maddie tosses her head back and laughs, hitting him playfully on the arm.

“It kind of looks like it,” Eddie says, grinning a little. “Does it bother you?”

“Just weird,” Buck replies, “It’s alright. But a little weird.”

The rest of the party carries on until even after the sun goes down. Eventually, people start to migrate towards the door, claiming they have families and jobs to tend to in the morning. Eddie’s not surprised that they’re one of the last ones to leave- Chimney and Maddie are still around helping clean up the backyard. He takes Christopher out to the truck, stalling in the walkway as he turns back towards the house.

Buck and Bobby are standing on the front step; Bobby’s hand is on Buck’s shoulder. He must say something important because a second later Buck is leaning in and giving Bobby a hug, his shoulders shaking a little.

Eddie forces himself to look away, knowing it’s another one of those moments that’s not meant for him to see. When Buck finally comes out to the truck, Eddie doesn’t miss the way that he sighs, sagging into the upholstery. 

“You good?”

Buck nods, a small smile spreading across his face. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.”

It’s late when they finally get home that night. There are enough leftovers to last two days at least. Christopher is nodding off in the backseat when they pull into the driveway; he should’ve been in bed forty-five minutes ago.

“It’s been a long day, huh, bud?” Eddie asks as he opens Christopher’s door. “You want help going in or you got it?”

Christopher perks up a little. “Just help down,” he says tiredly.

Eddie helps him steady his legs then reaches in and grabs Christopher’s crutches; everything in him wants to scoop him up and say _please just let me have this. Let me hold you for one minute._

He trails slowly behind Christopher, following him to the doorway of his room and keeping an ear out while he changes into pajamas. Eddie doesn’t move until Christopher looks over his shoulder at him; he walks over and helps him get into bed.

“Did you have a good time tonight?”

Christopher shrugs, keeping his eyes downcast. “I guess.”

“Chris, if something is bothering you-.”

_“No.”_

“You sure? Cause if you-.”

“I d-don’t wanna talk.”

Eddie clenches his hands at his sides for a moment. “Okay. Okay, I’ll let it go. Do you need anything else before bed?”

Christopher shakes his head and Eddie adjusts the covers once before going towards the door.

“Dad?”

Eddie stops in his tracks; something about Christopher’s sudden change in tone makes him anxious. “Yeah?”

“Do you miss Mom?”

His chest goes tight and he forgets to breathe. That’s not what he was expecting from Christopher, not in the slightest- he hasn’t asked about Shannon in months, let alone said her name. Eddie swallows the knot in his throat.

“Every day, kid.”

Christopher looks up at him finally, his blue eyes are watery and red around the edges. He swipes at his eyes, looking away from Eddie.

“I’ll be in the living room if you change your mind about talking,” Eddie says gently. “If not, get some sleep. I love you.”

Eddie flicks off the light before walking away; he’s still trying to steel himself against the tight feeling in his chest. Stopping at the lip of the hallway, Eddie leans against the wall. He sighs heavily and drags his hand down his face. When he pulls his hand away from his face, Eddie has to hold in a gasp.

He can see into Buck’s bedroom from this angle. Buck has his back to Eddie and is completely shirtless. Buck really _has_ filled out since coming to the Diaz house; the muscles of his back ripple and shift as he pulls a shirt over his head. Eddie wonders what it would feel like to touch it, to feel that muscle move under his skin while he-

Eddie tears his eyes away, his face flushing red. He forces himself to move until he reaches the couch- he doesn’t want Buck to know he was staring.

He’s known this about himself for a while; his equal attraction to men and women surfaced sometime around high school. Eddie only acted on it a few times before he met Shannon and didn’t dare while he was in the army. The prospect of getting outed was too frightening.

If he’s being completely honest with himself, Eddie’ s not surprised that he’s started to develop feelings for Buck. How could he not fall for Buck? He’s objectively handsome, nice, funny, and he’s good with Christopher. It’s impossible not to like him- and these past few weeks have only proved that further. Even still, with all the growth he’s accomplished, Eddie still feels guilty about feeling this way.

Buck just got out of an aggressively abusive relationship. Even with the progress that’s been made, he’s still getting over a lot of trauma- as is Eddie. He’s in no place to be getting into a new relationship let alone entertaining the idea of one.

If only things were different, maybe then he’d have a chance.

There’s the sound of footsteps in the hallway. Maybe Christopher changed his mind about talking after all. Eddie looks over his shoulder expecting to see his son standing there- but instead, he’s met with a six-foot-two pair of blue eyes that Eddie wishes he could swim in.

The world loves to play tricks on him.

“Hi.”

“Hey.” Buck is smiling like someone just hung the moon for him. 

_So help me God, I might be in love with this man._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why I waited so long before addressing Eddie's sexuality but hey, here it is. 
> 
> I hope you're all enjoying the story so far!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie watches Buck’s eyes go foggy just long enough to reach out and stop him from going wherever he’s headed inside his own brain. He places his hand on top of Buck’s, squeezing lightly. “Hey. You’re still here, Buck. You’re with me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends, this chapter starts out with a fairly heavy conversation about Buck's trauma in the beginning so please proceed with caution if you need to! Take care of yourself! 
> 
> This would've been up an hour earlier but my family would not leave me alone. Enjoy!

For a second, Eddie thinks he might actually be having a stroke. It takes him a full two minutes to remember how to talk again after Buck walks in. “Did you have a good time at dinner?”

“The best,” Buck says, plopping down next to Eddie on the couch. “Bobby talked to Chief Martin; I’m set to take my recertification test at the end of the month.”

“That’s awesome, Buck. I- you deserve it.”

“Thanks, man…” Buck trails off, looking a little misty around the eyes. He’s got a grin on his face that Eddie’s only ever seen in passing, fleeting moments around the rest of the team. 

“You okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, it’s just- I’m having a really good day. I haven’t had a dinner like that in ages… most dinners with Ali I did all the cooking and just hoped that I hadn’t fucked anything up. I can’t even tell you how many times I ruined the food before I actually got anything right.”

Eddie shifts to face him. Buck hasn’t mentioned Ali since their conversation a few weeks ago. He seems to be in a good headspace, so Eddie asks, “How’d you end up with her anyway? Getting stuck there, I mean.”

Buck rolls his shoulders a little before answering. “We went on a date, believe it or not. I helped rescue her from a collapsed building- that 7.1 earthquake we had a while back, remember?”

Eddie nods; vaguely, yes, he remembers the earthquake. He started at the one-eighteen a few weeks later.

“Anyway, she insisted on buying me a drink after we both made it out alive- her words, not mine. A few days later, I showed up to the restaurant and…”

“And what, Buck?”

He just shrugs, “I don’t know. The last thing I remember is walking inside- next thing I knew I woke up in a bed that didn’t belong to me with my hands tied above my head. I’m pretty sure she put something in my drink… she liked to do that. Slip me something when I wasn’t looking.”

Eddie watches Buck’s eyes go foggy just long enough to reach out and stop him from going wherever he’s headed inside his own brain. He places his hand on top of Buck’s, squeezing lightly. “Hey. You’re still here, Buck. You’re with me.”

Bucks mouth pulls at the edges, trying to smile. He pats Eddie’s hand but doesn’t meet his eye. “It’s okay. I gave her a taste of her own medicine-  _ literally _ .” 

“What do you mean?"

“After my first attempt at leaving failed so miserably I started taking bills out of her wallet when she would shower before work in the morning. But I had to be careful. Never more than once a week and nothing bigger than a five-dollar bill- I didn’t want her to get suspicious. There was a hole in the wall behind the dresser that she didn’t know about; that’s where I hid the money. She never caught on as far as I could tell, but then there was getting out of the house in the first place. The front door had a coded lock on both sides, there was no way I was getting around that.”

“Wait- seriously? On both sides?”

Buck doesn’t even flinch. “She wanted to make sure I wouldn’t leave while she was at work. Once she caught me trying to look over her shoulder and she left me tied to the bedpost for the entire day.”

“ _ Jesus _ , Buck.” Eddie feels like he’s going to be sick. That explains why he never shuts the door to his room; he’s afraid of being stuck again. “Sorry, sorry- you can keep going if you want.”

“She used to sneak melatonin into my food to keep me compliant; I’m more agreeable when I’m drowsy, I guess. I found where she was hiding them one day. Instead of taking money out of her wallet, I slipped one of the pills into my pocket and cracked a window open in the living room where she wouldn’t notice, just enough that I could slip my fingers under it. Ali always kept a water bottle on the bedside table. I crushed up the pill then dropped it into the bottom right before bed… I had to wait until I was sure she was asleep. I couldn’t risk her waking up and catch me duct taping money to my leg.”

A chill runs down his spine as Eddie realizes where this conversation is going. 

“Once I got the window open, Eddie, I… I’ve never run so fast in my whole life. Don’t get me wrong, I was horrified- but I knew I had to put as much distance between myself and that house as I possibly could. Eventually I couldn’t run anymore, my legs were too tired. It felt like my lungs were going to explode. My whole body hurt. I didn’t even know what direction I was going; it was so dark that I kept bumping into things and tripping over myself. Then, I found a break in the trees… next thing I knew there was a bright light, and you were there.”

Eddie forces himself not to choke when Buck’s shiny eyes finally meet his.

“Yeah,” he says pitifully. “Yeah, I was.”

Buck looks down at where their hands are still holding onto each other. “You know what’s really strange?”

“What?”

“I almost turned around,” Buck admits. “Some days I wake up and I feel bad about leaving her alone. Even now sometimes I wonder what she’s doing or I think about what it would be like if I had stayed.”

Eddie goes stiff all over. Everything turns to static for just a minute. “She hurt you, Buck.”

He nods. “I know, but… she wasn’t always bad. I can’t forget that, too. It’s all just- up there. Spinning circles in my head.”

_ Even after all the horrible shit he’s been through he’s still a better person than me. _

Unable to hold it in any longer, Eddie finally asks the question that’s been on his mind since they met. “When you first came out of the woods- why weren’t you afraid of me like you were with everyone else?”

Buck shrugs, “I could see it.”

“See what?”

“That look in your eye; I knew you wanted to help. I knew you weren’t going to hurt me.”

Eddie doesn’t respond, mostly because there’s a knot in his throat the size of Texas, but he does nod minutely. His ability to speak has run off again and there’s nothing he can do about it. 

“Alright,” Buck says with a sigh. “Well, I’m officially exhausted. Hey- thanks for letting me get all of that out. I needed it.”

He stammers. “Yeah, yeah no problem, Buck.”

Buck pulls his hand away from Eddie’s and he has to force himself not to whine at the lost contact.

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Buck,” Eddie murmurs. He waits until he’s sure Buck’s out of earshot before getting up from the couch, and even then, Eddie has to stop and collect himself.

He leans against the nearest wall, his eyes stinging painfully. Eddie’s right-hand shakes as he presses it to his chest, willing the ache between his ribs to go away. Buck’s words keep repeating in his head, making it hard to think about much else. Nobody’s ever talked about Eddie like that before- not while he was listening, at least.

_ I don’t know what I did to deserve having Buck come into my life but goddamn am I grateful. _

He feels… at peace, somehow. It’s something that he hasn’t felt in years and good God he hopes the feeling never fades.

Eddie takes another minute to just breathe before retreating to his bedroom, moving slowly as he goes. He shuffles out of his clothes from dinner and pulls on a loose tank top to sleep in. The whole house is silent as Eddie flicks off the light and crawls into bed. Despite the quiet, he can’t seem to fall asleep. Eddie lays there for hours staring at the ceiling and wishing that sleep would come.

It’s after midnight when he finally dozes off and even then, it feels like he’s only been asleep for a few minutes before something wakes him up. Eddie can hear a noise coming from down the hall- the sounds of an adult man crying out in his sleep, pleading that he’s sorry over and over again  _ please, I’ll do better next time _ . 

Buck is having another nightmare.

Eddie gives it about thirty seconds before he gets out of bed and starts moving towards the door. After everything they talked about earlier, he can’t just lie there and listen to Buck struggle- not anymore.  He’s not going to let Buck hurt when he has the option to help.

Buck is already awake when Eddie gets to the door. Even in the low light, Eddie can see the shape of Buck sitting up in bed with the sheets pooled around his waist. He’s breathing hard like he just ran a marathon. Buck looks up at him a second later, startled for a moment before he realizes it’s Eddie.

“Can I come in?”

Buck nods numbly; Eddie takes slow steps into the room on the off-chance Buck changes his mind at the last second. He doesn’t. Buck reaches for Eddie as soon as he’s close enough to the bed to get his hands on him; his hands grapple at Eddie’s arm just like when they first met, pulling him as close as possible.

Eddie presses himself against Buck’s side, the two of them sitting shoulder to shoulder against the headboard while Buck tries to get his breathing in check. After a minute, Buck lets his head drop to Eddie’s shoulder and Eddie slides his arm around Buck’s back and pulling him close. His skin is warm against Eddie’s; he lets his cheek rest against Buck’s forehead, his mouth just barely skimming his hairline.

Eddie asks quietly, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

Buck is still trembling against him. “It’s not a very good story.”

“You’re not gonna scare me off, Buck. I promise.”

His hands tighten in the bedsheets, pulling the material between his fingers until his knuckles turn white. Buck keeps his voice low and mechanical, a startling comparison to the more jovial tone that Eddie has grown used to. 

“For the first six weeks, I never left the bedroom. She thought if I was awake then I’d try to make a break for it. Most of the time I didn’t even know what day it was…”

Eddie feels sick to his stomach as he listens. Each sentence is worse than the last. He doesn’t know whether to be amazed or horrified that such awful things happened to Buck and he lived to tell about it.

“If I messed up dinner then she wouldn’t let me eat the following day. I didn’t know how to cook when I met her- she used to laugh at me when I burnt myself.”

“One time I asked if we could go for a walk and she broke my ankle.”

“After a while, I stopped trying to say no to her because I was tired of being in pain all the time.”

It’s awful listening to Buck recount all the gritty details. Eddie holds onto him tighter when Buck starts to shake against him, reminding him that he’s not alone- that a pair of hands aren’t going to hurt him anymore like they used to.

There’s a little voice in his head telling him that he shouldn’t be doing this. He shouldn’t let himself get so close to Buck while he’s still so vulnerable. Eddie tries to drown out the voice in his head and focus his attention on Buck. His voice is growing tired and hoarse with longer pauses between his sentences. His head lolls on Eddie’s shoulder, his fingers relaxing their hold of Eddie’s shirt.

Despite the late hour, Eddie is wide awake now. He should get up and go back to bed; there’s no telling how Buck will respond if he wakes up to someone else in his bed. Then, Eddie looks down at Buck’s slack, finally at peace face- and Eddie can’t bring himself to leave.

_ Just a few more minutes,  _ he tells himself. _ A few more minutes then I’ll go back to bed- just until I know Buck’s asleep. _

Eddie stays sitting up against the headboard, his back slowly growing sore from the odd position. He stares up at the ceiling, wondering what he’s going to do when he runs out of chances to hold Buck like this.

When he wakes up slumped against the headboard, the first thing that Eddie notices is the crick in his neck and the empty space next to him.

Eddie groans; his neck and shoulders are killing him. That’s what he gets for falling asleep sitting up. He’s got a headache brewing behind his eyes. One part out of frustration and the other out of not getting enough sleep. The voice in his head from last night is back with a vengeance. 

_ I never should have stayed with Buck last night. What the hell was I thinking? He doesn't need me like that. He's just going to leave soon anyway- what’s the point in getting close to him?  _

Eddie groans as he forces himself out of bed. It's Sunday. He's got a shift in a few hours. He needs to go make breakfast for Christopher before it gets to be too late.

Buck and Christopher are nowhere to be seen when Eddie makes his way into the kitchen. He goes straight for the coffee pot only to remember that he used the last of the beans yesterday morning; Eddie sounds in annoyance, rolling his neck around even though it hurts. He pulls a glass out of the cupboard- he'll have to settle for water. 

When he shuts the door, he's startled by the sight of Buck; Eddie hadn't even heard him walk in.

"Good morning," Buck says, oddly cheerful. He’s already showered and dressed for the day.

"Hi," Eddie mutters. It's too early to hold a conversation. Just as well, he's too irritated with himself to share pleasantries with Buck. He keeps his face turned away from Buck; for once his smile is the last thing that Eddie wants to see. There’s a pounding behind his eyes that’s growing by the second. 

_ I can’t believe I fell asleep in his bed- such an idiot move, Diaz. What the hell is wrong with you? Buck doesn’t need you. He needs to get better. _

He’s so caught up in his head that he doesn’t realize Buck is trying to have a conversation with him. “What?”

“I said do you want to go.”

“Go? Go where?”

“To the zoo. Christopher’s been talking about it for a week- it’s opening day.”

“I can’t, Buck. I have a shift today.” Eddie takes a sip of his water; he really, really wishes it was coffee.

“Okay, well, maybe I could take him.”

Eddie sets the cup down and plants his hands on the edge of the counter. “I need the truck for work. The zoo isn’t exactly on the way to the station.”

“I could drive. I’d drop you off at work and then Chris and I would go to the zoo- we could come and pick you up after your shift is over.”

He sighs. “Buck-.”

“Then, I don’t know maybe we could go get dinner or something.”

“It’s not really a good day for this Buck, maybe another time.”

“But Christopher-.”

Eddie can feel his patience growing short by the second. “I know what Christopher said, but today’s just not a good day for the zoo, alright? He’ll get over it. You can go another time.”

“No, I get that, but-.” 

“ _ Jesus _ , Buck, will you  _ shut up?!” _ Eddie whirls around to face him, his arm roughly colliding with the glass of water next to him and sending it crashing to the floor. The glass shatters as it hits the hardwood and the sound echoes across the house.

In the seconds that follow, the house is frighteningly still. Nobody makes a sound. Neither of them even moves. Eddie looks up at Buck a few feet away, horrified at the realization of what he’s just done. His stomach drops all the way to his feet.

_ Oh, God. Oh God, I just did that. Buck’s going to think I was trying to take a swing at him- Christ, what have I done? _

Buck doesn’t even look up at him. He stays right where he is with his arms shielding his face and breathing like someone just stuck a knife in his side.

“B-Buck,” Eddie stammers, trying to find his words. “Buck, that was- I wasn’t trying to-.”

When Eddie tries to take a step forward, Buck retreats. He lowers his arms just enough to make his way out of the kitchen without running into anything. He doesn’t meet Eddie’s eye even once- too busy trying to put distance between himself and the center of chaos.

“Buck. Buck, wait, I’m-.”  But it’s too late. The front door opens and closes before he can get the words out. He can’t even pretend to be surprised. Buck has every reason to run from him after what he just did.

Eddie’s eyes slip shut. His shoulders lose their rigid stance; all of the annoyed, angry feelings that were coursing through him just a moment ago have all been replaced with regret. He looks down at the ground; he needs to get a towel and find the broom then clean up this mess before the water damages the hardwood for good.

_ I just had to go and ruin everything like I always do. I can’t have one good thing without fucking it up somehow- what the hell is wrong with me? _

He’s on his knees picking up the bigger shards when he hears Christopher’s crutches making their way across the floor. He stops in front of Eddie, not even noticing the glass.

“Where’s Buck?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie grumbles. “He went for a walk.”

“How long is he going to be gone?”

“I’m not sure, Chris, he didn’t say. Probably awhile. You’re going to have to go over to Abuela’s today.”

“I want to stay with Buck. He said we could-.”

“This isn’t up for discussion. Buck’s not here, so you can’t stay home.”

Christopher is scowling now. “Buck will come back; we just have to find out where he went. Then we can-.”

“I  _ don’t know _ where he went, Christopher, he just left!” Eddie exclaims, louder than intended. "I'm tired of arguing now please just go get dressed."

Christopher startles just a little; Eddie's not usually one to raise his voice and he hates that his frustration is coming out in such a way now. Abuela would smack him over the head if she could see him right now. 

Before Eddie can say anything else- like apologize for losing his temper  _ again _ \- Christopher turns and rushes out of the kitchen, leaving Eddie alone with his mess. 

The house stays quiet as the Diaz boys go through the motions of getting ready. Eddie keeps looking towards the door every few minutes, expecting Buck to walk in and tell him what a dick he was this morning, but he never does. When it comes time to leave and there is still no sign of him, Eddie can't help the anxious pit that's grown in his stomach. He digs around in the side table drawer until he finds some notepaper and a pen. 

_ Had to leave for work, _ he writes down.  _ Chris is at Abuela's. We'll talk tonight when I get home from shift. I'm sorry I got mad. _

_ -E _

He tapes it to the front door where Buck can see when he comes back. That'll have to work for now. It has to. 

Even after they're in the truck, Christopher still hasn't said a word. Eddie sighs; he knows this game. The silent treatment is the oldest trick in the book. Hell, he practically perfected it when he was that age. He knows Christopher isn't going to bite until Eddie says something first. 

"I'm sorry I yelled." Eddie looks in the rearview, trying to meet Christopher's eye. "That's not fair to you. We can talk about going to the zoo some other day. But in the future, I think we can both work on talking to each other about things we want or how we’re feeling. That way we’re not getting upset with each other when the other one doesn’t understand. Does that sound okay?”

Christopher doesn’t give much more than a nod and Eddie decides to take it at face value. There’s no point in pressing him for more of a response when tensions are still high.

It’s just his luck that once he gets to work, the rest of the world seems to be in a bad mood, too. Six calls in less than eight hours and Eddie is ready to fall into the first bed that he sees;  _ of course, _ this would happen the night after he doesn't get enough sleep. They're granted just enough time for Bobby to make a quick dinner for everyone only to have to rush out again halfway through. 

His interaction with Buck this morning has had him on edge all day. Bobby and Hen both try and strike up a conversation with him, but he brushes them off. Both of them know him too well- Bobby and Hen would figure something was wrong in a second. He doesn’t feel like having a conversation about how he messed up- not with them, anyway.

Eddie can’t get Buck’s face out of his head. The horrified look he made after the glass hit the floor- it’s all Eddie’s been able to think about all day. He did that. He made Buck feel  _ afraid _ . Eddie is just glad that he’s off shift tomorrow; that’ll give him a chance for him and Buck to talk. Maybe then Eddie can make up for what happened.

When shift finally ends, Eddie is the first one out the door- ignoring all of the young guys on the team trying to talk him into getting a drink. He takes the shortcut for the sake of cutting time and getting home sooner. He calls Abuela to check in and say goodnight to Christopher, then tries to prepare himself for seeing Buck.

He just hopes that Buck doesn’t run from him again. That he isn’t still afraid.

The house is dark when Eddie pulls onto the street. That’s odd- Buck usually leaves a light on in the living room while he and Christopher are waiting for him to get home. Maybe he went to bed early for once.

Or maybe he’s still mad.

Eddie turns on a light when he comes inside. “Hey, Buck. It’s Eddie, I’m home.”

He waits for a response, feeling discouraged when nothing comes. Buck must be familiar with the silent treatment, too. “Listen, I know I lost my cool earlier, but I was hoping we could talk. Just clear the air about what happened, you know? …Buck?”

When there’s still nothing, Eddie feels his anxiety start to twist up in his stomach. He starts looking around the house. There’s no sign of Buck in the living room and no smells coming from the kitchen. The bathroom is empty when Eddie pushes the door open. Where the hell could this guy be?

Buck’s room is dark and vacant when Eddie pokes his head inside and he feels his anxiety practically triple. All of his things are still exactly where Buck left them. He checks his room, Christopher’s, even his own room- but there’s still no sight of Buck.

Eddie trails back to the living room, trying to figure out what it is that’s missing- then his eyes fall to the front door and Eddie feels his stomach bottom out.

The note he left for Buck is still right where he left it, entirely untouched. His white converse aren't in their usual spot by the door. 

Eddie scrambles to pull his phone out of his pocket, calling the one person he trusts to help him with something like this. When the call finally connects, Eddie feels like he can’t even breathe. 

“Bobby, I need your help,” he says in a rush. “Buck’s gone.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd say I'm sorry about the cliff hanger but I think we all know that's not true.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The search stretches across the city. The one-eighteen drives around until well into the middle of the night looking for Buck- and still, nothing. After a while, most of them retreat home to their beds- they have shifts that they need to be awake for in less than six hours, but not Eddie. He stays awake all night sitting on the loveseat in the living room, waiting, hoping that Buck comes home.
> 
> When the sun comes up and Eddie still hasn’t heard so much as a peep coming from the driveway, he feels ready to scream. Or cry. Maybe both.

In less than an hour, the rest of the one-eighteen is piling into Eddie’s kitchen. He hasn’t had this many people here since Shannon’s funeral; the parallel of that life-altering moment to now is making his head spin with panic.

The last person to arrive is Maddie; she makes a beeline for Eddie as soon as she walks in the door. He has little time to prepare himself before Maddie’s open hand is flying through the air and landing directly on his cheek. He stumbles as Chimney gets a hand around her waist to tug her back.

Eddie can’t even be mad at her for it; he’s had that coming from the second he let Buck leave and didn’t go after him.

“How could you let this happen?” Maddie yells. “How could you let Buck run off  _ by himself?” _

“I thought he was just blowing off steam, Maddie. I didn’t know he was going to do something like this!”

“Alright, let's all just take a breath for a second,” Bobby says. “Let’s go back to the beginning. How did this all start?”

Eddie takes a shallow breath, steeling himself for the adverse reactions he knows are about to come. “It’s my fault, I… I woke up in a bad mood this morning and then lost my temper when I was talking to him. He freaked out and left the house before I could say anything or- or try and fix it. I thought he was just going to take a walk around the block or something to clear his head, I didn’t think he would  _ leave _ .” 

Maddie bites out, “People don’t just leave because someone got angry at them.”

He looks down shamefully. “There might have also been a broken glass involved.”

If Chimney wasn’t still holding her, Eddie’s sure Maddie would have hit him again.

“We can get back to that in a minute. We need a time frame, Eddie. How long has he been gone?”

“Around eight or nine this morning, it was before shift started. I thought he was going to come back or I wouldn’t have-.”

“I know,” Bobby says, laying a hand on Eddie’s shoulder. “But we have to be logical about this. Until it’s been more than a day, we can’t technically consider him a missing person… but that doesn’t mean that we can’t go looking for him ourselves.”

Eddie gives him a bewildered look. “He doesn’t go anywhere else besides here and the firehouse, Bobby- where else could he possibly be?”

Bobby manages half a smile. “Did you forget that everyone else in this room knew him before you? Sure, it’s been a while, but we still know all his favorite places. The bars he frequents, the trails he used to hike. He’s got to be somewhere familiar to him otherwise he wouldn’t be gone this long.”

Much as Eddie hates to admit, Bobby’s got a fairly good point. 

“Buck has at least a fourteen-hour head start on all of us,” he continues. “Which means that we have to act fast before this turns into a problem that we can’t fix again.”

“Again?”

Hen chimes quietly in from the corner, “Who do you think went looking for him last time he disappeared?”

Eddie swallows the knot in his throat, looking away from all the eyes that are on him. 

Bobby continues. "I've already given Athena a heads-up. She's going to keep an eye on the police scanners and see if anyone matching Buck's description comes up. Until then, we need to try and find him before someone else does."

"Someone else?" Chimney asks, confused. "Who else could be looking for him?" 

Bobby looks up and meets Eddie's eye, giving him a look that says  _ do you know what I know? _

Eddie's chest goes tight at the implication. "Wait, he told you?"

Bobby shrugs. "He told me enough," he says sadly. 

Eddie ducks his head as his face heats up. When Chimney and Hen try to ask what they mean, Bobby shuts the conversation down. 

"Buck can tell you about all of that later if he so chooses. For now, let's get out there and look before we lose him for good this time." 

They split up into three cars. Bobby in one, Chimney and Maddie in one, and Eddie and Hen in another. Each group has a list of places to check out and see if Buck is there. If one group finds him, they're supposed to send a text in the group chat that says  _ birthmark _ and then drive back to Eddie's place. 

None of them have figured out exactly what they're going to do if they don't find him tonight. 

Ten minutes later, Eddie is sitting shotgun in Hen's car, his legs rattling mercilessly as they speed down the road towards an old bar Buck's been known to frequent. He presses his knuckles against the edge of his mouth until it hurts. 

"I know you don't believe this," Hen says after a while. "But this isn't your fault, Eddie. You couldn't have known Buck was going to run off like this."

"I could have gone after him," Eddie says bitterly. "Or not yelled at him, at least."

“Sure… but beating yourself up for it isn't going to change the outcome now. So let's just do what we do best and get Buck out of trouble."

"...Hen?" 

"Yeah?" 

"What if we don't find him?" Eddie hates himself for even asking the question. Entertaining the idea is going to fix any of this; but even still, he can’t stop thinking about what's going to happen if they don’t get Buck. Is the team going to resent him for this? Will they forgive him? Will Christopher? 

She stiffens next to him; her knuckles curl tightly around the steering wheel for a long moment before relaxing again. "I asked myself that question every day for nearly three years, and Buck still found his way back to us. He did it once. He can do it again." 

_ She has a good point, _ Eddie tells himself. He pulls his fingers away from his face, forcing the muscles to relax against his pant leg. He keeps his eyes facing out the window; they're almost at the bar. Eddie keeps all of his worries to himself, letting them feed his guilt a little longer. 

_ If we don't find him, I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. _

The search stretches across the city. The one-eighteen drives around until well into the middle of the night looking for Buck- and still, nothing. After a while, most of them retreat home to their beds- they have shifts that they need to be awake for in less than six hours, but not Eddie. He stays awake all night sitting on the loveseat in the living room, waiting, hoping that Buck comes home.

When the sun comes up and Eddie still hasn’t heard so much as a peep coming from the driveway, he feels ready to scream. Or cry. Maybe both.

A few hours later, Eddie calls Abuela and asks her to keep Christopher a little longer and take him to school. He fills her in as much as he can- or at least he gives her all the details in simplified form and only asks that she doesn’t tell Christopher that Buck is still gone. That’s a conversation that can wait until it’s absolutely necessary.

_ I have to keep looking,  _ Eddie tells himself. _ I can’t go home without him. I’m not going to break my son’s heart- not again. He’d never forgive me if he knew Buck ran off because of me. _

Eddie forgot how lonely it is to wait for someone who has no guaranteed return.

He avoids his team at work the next day- or maybe they’re steering clear of him, it’s hard to say. Eddie knows he looks like a mess; he hasn’t had a solid night of sleep in god only knows how long. He feels worn down to the bone and jittery. It feels like he came home from war all over again and Eddie wants more than anything for it to be over-

He wants Buck to come back already. Things don’t make sense without him around.

It’s another day with a late shift. He’s not going to get off until ten, and that’s assuming that they don’t get called out at the last minute. By the time he gets done, it’ll be too late to drive around looking for Buck and he’s got an earlier shift tomorrow… maybe he can pull the sick card and tell Bobby that he can’t come in-

Chimney interrupts his thoughts. “Eddie? You alright over there?”

He startles just a little, looking around for a second before remembering he’s sitting on the couch in the loft. It got dark outside at some point and Eddie didn’t even notice. Shit. How long has he been sitting here staring off into space?

“I’m fine, Chim,” Eddie says hoarsely. “Just thinking.”

“Anything you wanna get off your chest?”

_ Not with you. _ “No.” 

“Alright,” Chimney says, still eyeing him curiously. Instead of walking out of the room, Chimney walks over to the love seat, picks up the cushions, and looks around for a minute only to put them down and do the same thing with the other sofa.

“The hell are you doing?”

“Looking for my phone. I set it down earlier and now I can’t remember where it is. You haven’t seen it have you?”

Eddie shakes his head. “Don’t think so. You want me to call it?”

“Tried that. I think the battery is dead- this is like the third time this week; I don’t know how this keeps happening to me.”

If he wasn’t so tired, Eddie would laugh at him. He’s about to say  _ have you tried retracing your steps _ when everything around him slows to a stop, his own words catching up to him.

_ Retracing steps. That’s it. That’s how we find Buck. _

Eddie pushes himself off the couch so fast he nearly falls over. “I have to go.”

“What?” Chimney says, “Go where? Shift isn’t over yet. Eddie!”

He doesn’t listen. He’s too busy rushing down the steps and out of the building to his truck. There’s no point in wasting time changing out of his uniform. Eddie’s head is spinning, desperately trying to remember all the details from the night he first met Buck.

_ Back roads. Two miles south of twelfth and grand. Woods. Came out of nowhere. _

Eddie's tires screech as he pulls out of the parking lot. He can feel his blood pulsing in his fingertips. People honk at him as he goes through lights but he can't be bothered to care.

He's almost certain that he knows where Buck is. He's not going to spend another second waiting for him. 

As he takes the last turn coming off of twelfth street, Eddie feels his heart begin to race in double time as he drives down the dark back roads. He can hear Buck's voice in his ear clear as day, replaying the words he said just a few nights ago. 

“I almost turned around. Some days I wake up and I feel bad about leaving her alone… I wonder what it would be like if I had stayed.”

Eddie finally slows to a stop as he reaches the strip of road where Buck came out of the woods. He gets out of the truck, looking around for a clue to where exactly Buck would've come from. He's got Deja vu like never before. 

_ Buck appears out of nowhere. Buck sways and hits the ground. Buck struggles his way into consciousness- the ground is split and cracked beneath his shoulder.  _

Eddie looks down and to the left, finding the same split in the road a few feet away. He stands at the end and looks up, nearly losing his breath when he finds a break in the trees- right around where Buck would have been. He turns on the flashlight on his phone, using it to help guide him through the dark.

Before long, he finds a jagged, well-worn foot trail and decides to follow it. Half a mile later, Eddie comes upon another clearing in the trees. There’s a small house up ahead, warm light pouring out from the front window.

He tries not to think about whether or not that’s the same window Buck used to make his escape.

Eddie scrambles to pull his phone out of his pocket as he starts walking up to the house. The call connects after only two rings. 

_ “This is Sergeant Grant.” _

“Athena. It’s Eddie. I think I know where Buck is.”

_ “Really? That’s great. Give me a location and I’ll send some officers-.” _

“I don’t have an exact location. I drove out to the spot where I first found Buck- it’s two miles south of twelfth and grand. There’s a house out in the middle of the woods about half a mile in.”

_ “What the hell are you talking about?” _

“This is where he was for those three years, with a woman who was keeping him there against his will.” Eddie hopes Buck will forgive him later for giving his secret away without permission. He keeps going, “I’m going to try and find Buck, I need you to track my phone’s location.”

_ “Eddie, wait. We need to be careful about this. You don’t know what-.” _

“I’m sorry for doing this to you.” Eddie hangs up before she can finish; Athena can yell at him later if she so chooses. He silences the phone before placing it in his pocket. On a whim, Eddie reaches up and unpins his firefighter badge and pockets it. If he does find something, he doesn’t want to give himself away unless he absolutely has to. 

He creeps up to the house as slow as he can, trying to avoid making too much noise and giving himself away. His years of army training are coming in handy for once; with his back still to the house, Eddie manages to peer in the window at the front of the house. He’s met with the sight of a small living room that connects to a kitchen and a hallway. He can’t tell if there’s anyone inside or not; there’s only one way to find out.

Before he’s fully figured out what he wants to say, Eddie ducks under the window and walks over the front door, rapping loudly a few times. When no one comes, he knocks again. Eddie rubs his fingers together, growing anxious. He’s about to knock again when he sees movement from inside and a loud, two-tone beep.

When the door finally opens, a woman with short, dark hair is on the other side looking both confused and concerned. “Can I help you with something?”

“I’m sorry to bother you, miss,” Eddie says, plastering a smile on his face. “But my truck broke down a little way back down the road and the battery on my cell died. I was hoping to borrow a phone to call a buddy of mine to come and get me.”

If this ends up somehow not being where Buck is, he’s going to be very, very embarrassed about all of this in the morning.

The woman makes a face like she’s not sure what to do. She looks back over her shoulder for a moment before sighing dejectedly. “Sure,” she says shortly, “But make it quick.”

When he steps inside, he canvases the whole space. There’s a door against the far wall and another down a short hallway. He turns back to the woman just as she holds a cell phone out to him with a limp wrist.

“Sorry, I don’t think I caught your name.”

“Ali.”

_Gotcha_. Eddie has to resist the urge to pull a face while she’s still eyeing him. To scream and ask why she would hurt such a good man for no reason. “Well- thank you, Ali,” he says with a tight throat. “I appreciate you helping me out.” 

He looks around while he dials the one phone number he has memorized. Eddie’s eye catches on something as he looks into the living room again- a pair of white converse shoes lying in the middle of the floor with the shoelaces missing. 

_ Buck’s shoes. _

Eddie is so distracted by the sight of them that he forgets what he’s doing until the call connects in his ear.

_ “This is Captain Nash.” _

“Hey, man. It’s Diaz.”

_ “Eddie? Where the hell did you go? We’ve been trying to get a hold of you for twenty minutes.” _

“Yeah, I’m sorry about the late call, but my truck stalled out on the side of the road.”

_ “What? Are you even listening to me? This is-.” _

Eddie interrupts, “I’ll owe you big time, I know. Oh hey- I’ve been meaning to ask; did you ever get that weird birthmark looked at? I know you were kind of worried about it.”

On the other end of the line, there’s silence for a moment. Then, Eddie hears Bobby call something inaudibly over his shoulder. There’s the sound of chairs screeching against linoleum and heavy steps rushing around a few seconds later.  _ “Where are you?” _

Eddie lowers his voice. “A back road, two miles south of twelfth and grand. Half mile walk into the woods. Can’t miss it.”

The sound of sirens in his ear sounds like a hallelujah.

_ “Alright. We’re coming to you. Just be careful.” _

“I got it,” Eddie says. “I’ll see you soon.” He hands the phone back as soon as he finishes, just barely resisting the urge to crush it in his hands.

_ I have to get to Buck somehow, _ Eddie thinks to himself.  _ I need proof that he's still alive. Lord only knows what this woman could’ve done to him in the last two days. _

“Is there someone else here?” His eyes are locked on the shoes; he rips his eyes away when Ali catches him staring. “Forgive me, if this is out of line, but those look too big to be yours.”

“My husband, Evan, they belong to him,” she says curtly and Eddie has to act like his blood hasn’t just run cold.

“Husband?”

She nods. "I’d introduce you, but he's been ill the past few days. I’d hate to get you sick.”

The mention of Buck and the word  _ sick _ in the same sentence scares Eddie more than he thought possible- but it also gives him an idea. “Sick?” He supplies, “I’m a paramedic- if your husband is sick, I could take a look at him for you. Save you a trip to the doctor’s office if it’s just a cold.”

“That’s not n-.”

“Please, miss, it’s the least I could do after you were so gracious.”

Ali all but yells, “I said  _ no _ .”

Eddie can’t help but flinch; no wonder Buck is so afraid of her. He holds a hand up in front of his chest. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I was just trying to return the favor… but before I go, could I use your bathroom?”

Ali looks like she has half a mind to say no. She gestures lamely to the hallway, “On the left,” then turns her back to Eddie, moving back to the kitchen.

When Eddie moves towards the hallway, his eyes fall to the door against the far wall again. The door is cracked an inch or two, easy to miss unless you’re looking right at it. The light is on inside, but Eddie can’t get a good enough look inside from the angle. He looks back over his shoulder, checking that Ali isn’t looking and steps to the right, pushing the door open and shutting it behind him. He’s got at most three minutes to talk to Buck before Ali realizes that he’s not in the bathroom after all. Eddie just hopes that the one-eighteen gets here before it comes to that.

When Eddie finally turns and faces the room, he feels his stomach drop out. Buck is lying prone on top of the covers, his wrists tied to the bedpost with his shoelaces- practically dead to the world. Even from a few feet away, Eddie can see a shiner that’s formed over Buck’s cheekbone. He  _ knows _ that wasn’t there when Buck left the house.

“Shit, Buck,” Eddie mutters, moving to his knees next to the bed.

If Eddie didn’t know any better, he would think that Buck is just asleep, but the open bottle of sleeping pills on the bedside table says otherwise. Eddie takes the bottle into his hands; it’s almost empty. There’s no telling how much of this stuff is running through his system right now. Buck has a sick, hollowed-out look under his eyes that Eddie doesn’t like one bit.

He starts shaking Buck’s shoulders, trying to get a response out of him. “Buck? …Buck, come on, open your eyes for me  _ please _ .”

Buck’s eyes slide open a few seconds later, heavy-lidded and glassy.

“Hey. Hey, tough guy. You scared the shit out of me.”

Buck barely moves. The only proof of having heard Eddie is the furrow of his brow. “You’re not here,” he slurs. “S’not real.”

_ He thinks he’s dreaming, _ Eddie’s brain supplies.  _ He didn’t think I would come for him. _

“I am, I’m here, Buck, I promise. I came to help.”

Buck starts pulling at the ties around his hands, trying to move away. “No. No you… you didn’t want me around an’more. Had to- had t’leave.”

“I do want you around, Buck,” Eddie says softly. His hand slides up to Buck’s face, thumb ghosting just under his bruise. “I want you around all the time.” 

Buck whines. “M’not. Not fallin’ for it. Not real.” 

Eddie doesn’t like the way that Buck is slurring his words  _ at all _ . He reaches for the bedpost, trying to pull the knots apart with his fingers; he really wishes he had his old army knife on him. The sound of banging on the front door startles Eddie for a second until he hears Athena’s faint voice, the fear quickly being replaced with relief. 

Though, of course, that relief only lasts up until the second the bedroom door swings open and Ali stands on the other side, red in the face and holding a silver gun in her hand.

“What the hell did you do- why are cops here?!”

Eddie raises one arm, the other moving over Buck protectively. “Listen, just- just let me help him and I-.”

“Get away from my husband!” She screams. Ali lifts the gun and points it in Eddie’s direction.

“Please, Ali, I just want to-.”

The sound of the gun going off is drowned out by the front door being forced open by the jaws of life.

"LAPD! Drop your weapon!"

Eddie doesn't have to see to know it's Athena. As soon as Ali is distracted, Eddie undoes the last knot and frees Bucks arms, pulling them both to the ground next to the bed. Buck is a dead weight on top of Eddie; Eddie moves his hands gingerly over Buck's body, making sure he wasn't hit anywhere.

When he looks down at Buck's unconscious face, Eddie thinks he's going to be sick. There's a paleness to him that wasn't there a minute ago and Eddie doesn't like where all this is headed. He cradles Buck's head in his hand, hoping that the touch keeps him from slipping too far into himself. 

“Please hold on, Buck,” he tells him quietly. “Please don’t leave me yet.”

When two more gunshots ring out in the small room, Eddie braces Buck tighter against his chest. The silence that follows in the seconds after is terrifying. Maybe his ears are ringing- maybe it's another siren, it's hard to tell. He's glad that he can't see over the edge of the bed- Eddie doesn't want to know what's happening over there. 

A voice calls out, "Eddie?"

"Bobby?" Eddie calls back, slightly shaky. "Bobby, Buck needs help." 

There's some shuffling, then Bobby appears at the foot of the bed, looking as horrified as Eddie feels. His eyes rake over everything, cataloging all of it. Bobby yells over his shoulder, "Hen! Radio for another Ambo!"

Eddie barely notices when two medics-  _ not _ Hen and Chimney, come into the room. He does, however, notice when they try to move Buck off his chest; Eddie tightens his arms instinctively, forgetting his surroundings for a moment. He doesn’t know these people- what the hell do they want with Buck?

Bobby says, “Eddie, you need to let go and let them help.”

_ No _ , he thinks for a moment _ , if I let go there’s a chance that I’ll never get to hold him again and I can’t have that. I’m not ready. _

Despite this, Eddie still finds it in himself to let go, giving the medics a chance to roll Buck off of him and onto a backboard. The medics make quick work of getting Buck out of the room- out of the house entirely. It happens so quickly Eddie can’t even process it- the next thing he knows Bobby is trying to pull him to his feet. He sways a little when he stands. When did everything get so foggy?

There’s a funny feeling in his right arm. He looks down and- oh. He’s bleeding. There’s a bullet stuck in the meat of his arm, just under the sleeve of his work shirt; blood keeps rolling down his arm and dripping off his elbow, staining the hardwood.

Oh. So  _ that’s _ where the first shot landed.

“Bobby,” Eddie says lamely. “Bobby, I’m-.”

“I know, I know,” he says, concerned. “Who did you think the extra ambulance was for?”

Eddie wants to shrug but he’s finding it hard to do much of anything at the moment. Bobby gets an arm around Eddie’s shoulders, cupping his hand over the wound, stemming the blood flow as he guides Eddie out of the house. Eddie can’t focus on anything long enough to process what’s going on around him. Everything is moving too fast and too slow all at once. He searches for the rest of his team, but they’re nowhere to be seen.

Bobby doesn’t stop moving until Eddie is outside sitting on the edge of an ambulance. Eddie looks up just as another ambo shuts its doors and drives away with Buck inside of it. All of the flashing lights and the echo of a siren getting quieter in the distance are making his head spin even more.

_ I wish I could go with him. He needs to know… I need to tell Buck that I’m sorry. _

Eddie leans into Bobby’s side, his eyes growing heavier by the second. “Don’t- don’t let Buck die, Bobby. Please.”

As the world around him finally goes dark, Eddie just barely hears Bobby say: “I wouldn’t dream of it, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to Pauline (Pline) for calling it in the comments of the last chapter that Buck went back to Ali's. That made me extra happy. 
> 
> Also... I've been toying with the idea of turning this into a series/having a continuation fic or two set in this universe. So if y'all have any ideas, let me hear em! I hope you're enjoying what you've read so far!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I have to talk to him."
> 
> Bobby shakes his head. "You can't do that."
> 
> "Bobby, I-."
> 
> "I'm not just saying that to be a jerk, I'm saying it because no one can. Buck's isn't talking to anyone." 
> 
> Eddie swears his heart shatters into a million pieces. “What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a minute since I last updated- sorry about that! This has one of my favorite interactions in the whole fic. There's a somewhat detailed conversation about grief/guilt that's a bit emotionally heavy, just so y'all know. I hope you enjoy this!

Eddie wakes up later staring at an unfamiliar ceiling with an ache in his right arm.

He squints against the bright lights in the room as he begins to recognize where he is- as far as hospital rooms go, he’s seen worse. There’s a thin layer of gauze wrapped around his upper arm; Eddie decides not to look at it for now. He’s got enough scars already- he can wait a little longer before adding this one to his unfortunate collection.

Eddie groans a little as he sits up. His head still feels foggy for some reason. He drags a hand over his eyes, startling a little when he finally sees Bobby leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed over his chest. Eddie can’t tell if he’s actually mad or not.

Bobby points in Eddie’s direction. "The bullet only grazed you, by the way. Just a few stitches. Might not even scar. The doctor said it's more likely exhaustion that caused you to pass out more so than the blood loss… how much sleep did you get before running in headfirst like that?"

Eddie flushes. "Next to none."

Bobby smirks a little before saying, “I should yell at you for being reckless and going in without backup… but since you brought Buck back twice now, I’m gonna let it slide. Athena, though, that’s another story.”

Just like that, everything from the past few hours finally comes rushing back to Eddie. The fogginess he was feeling a second ago practically disappears. The implication that Buck is _okay_ is enough for Eddie. He releases a long sigh, letting go of all the tension in his shoulders. He starts to get up, saying, “Where is he?”

“Okay, just- relax, for a minute, alright? He’s in a room down the hall. They’re monitoring him since he couldn't tell us how many pills he'd been given; the Doctor wants to make sure there’s not any organ damage. He should be released in a day, maybe even earlier.”

"I have to talk to him."

Bobby shakes his head. "You can't do that."

"Bobby, I-."

"I'm not just saying that to be a jerk, I'm saying it because no one can. Buck's isn't talking to anyone, not even me or Maddie. No one is allowed in his room unless it's staff." 

Eddie swears his heart shatters into a million pieces. “What?”

“Believe me, I’m not thrilled about it either. But with everything that’s happened, it’s understandable that Buck wants his space. He needs time to process. Frankly, I’m surprised he got away from that woman _twice_ and lived to tell about it.”

“What about Ali? Is she in custody?”

“In surgery; Athena sunk two bullets in her shoulder. She’s being transferred over to county jail in the morning. There’s already talk about a trial- assuming Buck wants to go through with it. Athena tried to talk to him, but he was still pretty out of it. She didn’t get very far before he kicked her out. No one has been allowed in since.”

Eddie feels like his whole world just got tipped on its side all over again. He just barely got Buck back and now he can't even talk to him. This isn't how all of this was supposed to happen. 

_What if Buck doesn't want to talk to me ever again? What if I don't get a chance to apologize? I don't want Buck to think I'm angry with him for the rest of his life._

_How am I supposed to fix this?_

Eddie sinks back onto the bed, feeling like his whole body just went numb. 

"The hospital isn't going to discharge you until after sunrise, at least," Bobby says. "Is there anything I can do for you until then? Even if it's just keeping you company?" 

Eddie shakes his head. He lies back as his throat starts to go tight. Despite how childish it feels, Eddie pulls the thin sheets over his head. If he's going to lose his cool, he doesn't want to do it while his Captain is watching. It's hard to hear over the sound of blood pumping through his ears, but he thinks he hears Bobby say something else about sleep and phone calls before leaving the doorway. 

Once he can't hear Bobby's footsteps in the hallway anymore, Eddie finally lets the tears fall. His entire body shakes with the force of them. It feels stupid, crying- but what else is he supposed to do? The one person he wants to talk to won’t let anyone in; Eddie can’t help but feel like that’s his fault. Like he caused all of this.

He shuts his eyes tightly as his eyes sting, wishing that he could rewrite all of this somehow so no one would ever have to know how badly he messed everything up.

If only.

Eddie doesn’t even realize that he’s fallen asleep again until he opens his eyes. He pulls the sheet back, trying to figure out what time it is, but instead of a clock, he finds his son sitting next to the bed. It’s impossible to ignore the upset look on Christopher’s face. Eddie knows that look; being in the dog house with his own kid is never fun.

“Hey,” Eddie says calmly as he sits up. He lets his legs hang over the side of the bed. “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be at school?”

There’s a pointed edge to his words. “Abuela brought me. Mister Bobby called and said you got hurt.”

_Ah, so that’s how he got here. Abuela must be around here somewhere then; I’ll have to make it up to her for worrying her again._

“Yeah, I did.” Eddie peels back the sleeve of his hospital gown, showing Christopher the gauze. “Just a small spot on my arm. I was tired, so they let me stay overnight, but I’m okay. And hey- Buck is-.”

“I don’t want Buck,” Christopher interrupts. “I want you to stay here.”

“Stay here? What are you talking about?”

His eyes start to water. “You said- no more leaving. When people go to the hospital- they leave. For _good_.”

Eddie gets full-body chills, piecing together his son’s words. This isn’t just about him. It’s about Shannon, too.

His eyes flit over to the calendar hanging up on the wall. It can’t be today. He thought- _shit_. Of all the days that he had to go and get himself into hot water, it has to be the anniversary of his wife dying. “Chris-.”

Christopher keeps going, voice shakier now. “You. Stay. You said- you would _stay here._ And not leave like-.”

“Christopher, _stop_. I’m not going anywhere. I am not going to leave, alright? What happened to your Mom was an accident-.”

“ _No!_ I-I asked to go to the Arcade. _I_ asked to get ice- ice cream after. I spilled it on my shirt and Mom was-wasn’t looking at the r-road when the car came. It’s _my_ fault mom left.”

Eddie feels like he’s just had the wind knocked out of him. He remembers it now; Christopher’s shirt was sticky with chocolate syrup when Hen handed him over. He had cried relentlessly into Eddie’s neck, saying over and over again _I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean do to it. I didn’t mean to, I’m sorry-_

And Eddie hadn’t said a damn thing. He was so startled that he couldn’t even speak.

Everything makes sense now. Christopher hasn’t been pushing away because he blames Eddie for not being there in the moment- he’s been pushing away because he blames _himself_. Because he thinks he deserves it, somehow. Because no one has told him otherwise in all this time.

 _Good God,_ Eddie thinks, _how could my son hurt like this and not tell me… how could I not know?_

He can’t sit there anymore and listen to his son blame himself. Eddie reaches forward and pulls his crying son into his lap, letting his crutches clatter to the floor. When Christopher pushes back, trying to get away, Eddie holds on tighter. He wants to make sure his son hears him when he says:

“It’s not your fault, Christopher. That’s not your fault… you didn’t take Mom away.”

Eddie says it over and over again and shares the tears with his son. After a few minutes, Christopher finally relaxes in his father’s arms, letting himself be held and comforted. He cries into Eddie’s neck loudly, unable to control it. Eddie just holds him as close as he can, milking the moment for everything that it’s worth. He’s ached for this for so long, he was starting to think it would never happen again.

“I m-miss Mom,” Christopher says. “I wish- wish she didn’t have to be gone.”

“I know,” Eddie says shakily. “I wish she was here, too.”

He doesn’t know what else to say right now that could possibly make his son feel better- so he doesn’t try to come up with anything. They sit there. They cry- they let go of some of the hurt they’ve been holding onto in the last year.

Both of them have cried themselves dry before Christopher finally makes a noise. “Dad?”

“Yeah, kiddo?”

“I don’t like being mad all the time.”

Eddie closes his eyes, recognizing his son’s words for what they are.

_Is it always going to hurt like this?_

“I know,” he says gently. “I don’t like it either.”

_I hope not. For your sake, I really hope it doesn’t always feel like this._

_We’re gonna be okay, kid._

They don’t have much longer to sit there before Abuela finally makes an appearance. Eddie doesn’t miss the surprised look on her face when she sees that Christopher is still in his lap. She lets the small duffle bag drop off her shoulder; no doubt filled with clothes for him.

“I was wondering where he had walked off to,” Abuela says, a wry smile on her face.

Eddie looks down at Christopher who doesn’t even try to and defend his actions with an innocent face. “I thought we talked about walking off without telling anyone.”

Christopher just shrugs. “Must’ve forgot.”

Eddie shakes his head, already deciding to let it go. He lets Abuela kiss his face and fuss over him until a nurse walks in, asking if he's ready to be discharged. For some reason, the question brings disdain more than relief. He knows that unlike last time, when he leaves the hospital, Buck won't be coming home with him. Hell, he doesn't even know if Buck is still here. He hasn't heard anything else from Bobby.

Eddie insists on dressing himself, never mind the wary looks the nurse gives him. He's had stitches plenty of times; he knows how to move without ripping a wound open. By the time he's done, Eddie's tired all over again. The emotional weight of the last twenty-four hours is finally catching up to him. He sighs heavily, letting his head fall back and his eyes close; he can't remember the last time he was this bone tired. 

When he opens them again, Christopher is in the doorway, looking at Eddie like he's waiting on something. "You ready to go?" 

Christopher nods, his crutches clacking against the linoleum- in the wrong direction?

Eddie calls after him. "Chris. Buddy, the nurse’s desk is the other way." 

Christopher doesn't even stop moving. "But Buck's room is this way!" 

Eddie can't help the way his breath catches in his lungs. "What?" 

When Christopher keeps going, Eddie doesn't know what to do besides follow him. He trails slowly after his son, following him around the corner and four doors down. The glass door is left open, but Eddie can't see much from this angle. He can’t hear anything from inside.

"How'd you know he was here?"

"I was looking for you, but I walked by Buck's room first. No one was in there; he seemed sad." 

“Sad?”

Christopher nods. “He had the b-blankets pulled over his head just like you do when you feel bad.”

Eddie doesn’t want to think about whether that’s just a coincidence or if he’s managed to rub off on Buck in the short time they’ve known each other. He breathes heavily, still looking at the door. He shoots a glance back at Christopher, motioning for him to stay where he is.

He finds himself holding his breath as he finally takes a few steps forward, hovering a few feet from the entryway. Eddie can see him now; Buck is faced away from the door. He’s in plain clothes- Buck must be getting discharged, too, from the looks of it. He must be going with Maddie or Bobby.

Eddie can’t say that he blames him. He’s not too fond of himself at the moment, either.

He takes a hesitant step, trying to think of how he wants to phrase his words, but a misstep and his rubber soles squeaking against the tile floor give him away too soon. A second later, Buck turns over his shoulder, catching Eddie lingering in the doorway. His eyes go wide. He shrinks back a few steps into the corner, his shoulders going rigid. 

Eddie hates himself for causing that kind of reaction in Buck. He holds up a hand even though Buck isn’t looking at him anymore.

“I’m not gonna come in, I promise,” he says, voice rough. “I just, um… I know you’re probably still upset with me, and that’s completely fair. I don’t expect you to forgive me any time soon- but you need to know that I’m sorry, Buck. I’m really, _really_ sorry.”

Buck looks up at him, his eyes still wide; silence stretches between the two of them, hanging over their heads like a curse. What feels like an eternity later, Buck drops his eyes again, nodding to himself before turning his back on Eddie.

Eddie knows that this is the best he’s going to get right now, and he’s fine with that. He sighs deeply, feeling like a weight has just come off his shoulders. Of course, Eddie doesn’t feel completely better about all of it- but at least he can breathe a little better now knowing that Buck heard him.

He just hopes that Buck believes him, too.

“Can we go now?” Christopher says behind him, trying to whisper.

Eddie grins to himself, amused once again by his child’s actions. “Yeah,” he says, “Let’s go home.” He spares a glance back at the room once they’re down the hall, thinking of all the other awful outcomes this situation could have had. Things could’ve have been so much worse for both of them.

All in all, it’s not a completely terrible day.

Once they’re finally back home, Eddie can’t help but notice how empty the house feels. When he tries to sleep at night, he tosses and turns. He’s grown so used to hearing Buck down the hall. Knowing he’s not there now keeps him up at night.

_What if he’s having a nightmare? What if he can’t calm himself down or wake himself up? Is he sleeping at all? Is he even okay?_

When his alarm goes off to get Christopher ready for school, Eddie feels like he hasn’t slept a wink. He may as well have stared at the ceiling the whole night; he feels wired in the worst way. Even after he’s dropped Christopher off and tries to go back to bed, all he can seem to do is lay there and wish that sleep would come. It never does.

He can’t say that he’s surprised. In a way, it feels like he just came home from war all over again. He’s exhausted and his mood has bottomed out, leaving him irritable most of the time- damn. Was it like this all the time _before_ he met Buck?

How did he ever survive like this?

His injuries are minor enough that he doesn’t have to miss any work. Eddie isn’t surprised when he shows up for his next shift and hears that Buck put in for some time off. After what happened, that makes sense- hell, Eddie probably should’ve taken some days off too, but there’s no point now. At least he can focus on the job and put his efforts into something good as opposed to just being mad at himself all the time. 

His second day back, Hen tries to strike up a conversation with him. Eddie sees her coming from a mile away, already recognizing the “concerned friend” look on her face. He doesn’t bother to move from the couch.

“Hey,” she says, sitting on the arm of the sofa. “How’re you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

She cocks her head at him. “ _Eddie_.”

“Hen-.” 

“I just wanna make sure you’re okay.”

“Hen, I don’t want to talk about this with you,” he says firmly. There’s only one person he wants to talk to about all of this- and Eddie doesn’t even know where he is, let alone how he’s fairing after everything that happened. That hurts most of all.

He doesn’t stop glaring at her until she walks away. He only feels moderately guilty about it. Once she’s gone, Eddie drops his head to his hand and closes his eyes, wishing that he could be anywhere else in the world right about now.

By the end of the week, Eddie feels dead on his feet. His last shift before having the weekend off is _hell_ ; a call involving a ten-car pile-up keeping the whole team nearly three hours past the end of their shift. All that on top of sleeping maybe eight hours this whole week, Eddie feels a kind of bone-tired that he hasn’t felt since he was still serving.

When he gets home that day after picking up Christopher from Abuela’s, it’s after eight already. The sun is still going down outside. Upon pulling up to the house, Eddie notices a light coming from the living room window. He stops on the walkway, looking at it curiously.

“Chris, did we forget to turn off the lights when we left this morning?”

Christopher shrugs, “I dunno.”

Eddie chalks it up to forgetfulness along with being so tired. He walks up the last few steps to the last, letting the door swing open for his son without really looking. Needless to say, he’s very surprised when the next thing out of his son’s mouth is:

“Hey, Buck!”

Eddie’s head whips up and sure enough, there he is in the living room. Eddie doesn’t recognize the sweatshirt and black jeans that he’s wearing; Maddie must’ve got them for him. He feels a little breathless just looking at Buck. He stays in the doorway, not knowing what else to do here.

_He’s here. He’s actually here and now all I can do is stare at him. Just my luck._

Christopher gets to him first, balancing his weight on one crutch to give Buck a fist bump; Buck returns it without question.

“Hey, bud. Did you have a good day at school?”

“Yeah. We had a substitute so w-we didn’t have to do _anything_.”

“Nice,” Buck draws out with a grin. His eyes flick up to Eddie, his expression shifting ever so slightly. “Hey, do you mind if I borrow your dad for a few minutes?”

“Sure,” Christopher replies. He looks over his shoulder at Eddie, “I’m going to my room. Goodnight!”

Buck echoes the statement right back but Eddie can’t seem to make anything work properly. He wants to follow him and ask if he needs help with anything before bed, but he can’t even move. Not with the way that Buck is looking at him. It’s too much to focus on at once.

When Christopher is out of earshot, Buck says, “I’m sorry for letting myself in, I thought-.”

“It’s okay,” Eddie says, almost too quick. “You don’t need to apologize for being here, Buck. You’ve lived here long enough. It’s your place, too.”

That’s the first time Eddie’s said his name in nearly a week and _oh god_ his heart is doing something funny just looking at Buck. It’s like meeting him for the first time all over again. Eddie had a part of himself convinced that he wouldn’t get to see Buck again, but now he’s _here_. In his _house_ and he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Buck looks relieved by Eddie’s words; he moves over to the couch but Eddie stays where he is, feet cemented two feet from the door.

“Where’ve you been?”

“Maddie’s. She was right; her couch is nowhere near as good as a bed.” He goes quiet for a minute before saying, “I wanted to explain why I ran off.”

Eddie shakes his head, “Buck, you don’t-.

“I want to,” Buck says sincerely. “I want you to know.”

Eddie just nods, encouraging him to continue even though he’s not sure he wants to know all of this. There’s a chance that all of this blows up in his face and he’s not going to have enough time to run for cover if it does.

Buck rubs his palms against his pants. After a minute he says, “I know you’re not Ali. I just- I get stuck there sometimes, and I forget.”

Quietly, Eddie replies. “Okay… I can understand that.” 

Buck’s brow furrows for a minute, “I don’t like being mad at you.”

Eddie’s throat goes dry while he tries to keep a straight face. Despite the emotions running rampant through him, he takes a step towards Buck, gauging his reaction in case he shows signs of distress.

“For what it’s worth- I’m still sorry. I’m always going to be sorry for hurting you- for making you feel like you weren’t welcome here.”

Eddie keeps moving until he’s right in front of Buck, dropping to his knees in front of the couch. His eyes are burning with tears and really wishes he had a better way to explain it. He grips at Buck’s legs, praying that he doesn’t get pushed away. He couldn’t take it. Not after everything else that’s gone wrong.

A gentle hand touches the back of his head and it takes everything in Eddie not to melt into the touch entirely. When Buck doesn’t pull his hand back, he drops his head to Buck’s thigh, breathing in the familiar smell that he’s missed so much this last week.

_How could I ever let you get away from me?_

Above him, Buck says, “You know how I know you’re not Ali? Cause she never apologized for _anything_ … and when I ran off, she didn’t come looking for me. She didn’t care if I was hurting or not.”

The knot in his throat is growing by the second. Eddie’s not going to be able to keep his composure much longer and he knows it. 

Buck’s hand moves to Eddie’s jaw and shifts until Eddie looks him in the eye. “I know you weren’t trying to hurt me, Eddie.”

Hearing his own name come out of Buck’s mouth is what breaks him. He tries to cover up his whine but it’s of little use. He hides his face in Buck’s legs again, his body shaking as everything from the last week finally comes out of him. Eddie tries to wrap his arms around Buck’s waist so that he can bury his face in his stomach, but Buck pulls him up instead.

The two of them don’t stop moving until Eddie is snug between the back of the couch and the firm line of Buck’s chest. The same pillow is tucked under each of their heads. The couch is barely big enough for one of them, let alone two grown men, but they make the small fit work. Eddie can’t remember the last time someone held him like this, if at all. Buck’s hand is still on his jaw, his thumb rubbing over Eddie’s cheek as he tries and fails to breathe like a fully functioning human being.

It’s hard to hear over the sound of his own crying. He doesn’t register it right away but Buck is saying, “It’s okay. It’s okay, I forgive you, Eddie.” Again and again like it’s the only thing he knows.

“And, for the record,” Buck continues, “I’m glad that you were the one who found me… I wouldn’t have wanted anyone else to come.”

Eddie cries again but it's more out of relief this time. He swears he feels Buck’s mouth ghosting across his cheek but that could just be his mind playing tricks on him. This whole week has been so emotionally and physically exhausting. Now that he’s horizontal _and_ being held he can feel himself slipping away. He doesn’t know when the room grew dark, but he welcomes it now. A simpler change for all this mess that he’s gotten himself into as of lately. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one chapter left! I hope you're excited!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eddie is still on the couch when he wakes up in the morning, the only difference being that he’s alone now. Getting up, he grimaces at how his slept-in button-down sticks to his body when he gets up. He’s in desperate need of a shower and some mouthwash. 
> 
> He heads to the bathroom out of instinct but stops halfway there when he hears Christopher mischievous giggling followed by, “You sunk my battleship!”
> 
> Buck. He’s here. Right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little shorter than then rest, but I think it wraps everything up well. Thank you a million times over to everyone who left a kudos or comment- y'all mean the world to me. I'm still thinking about/welcome to ideas about turning this into a longer series, so please let me know if you'd like to see this go any further and how! I hope you enjoy the final chapter! Thank you again for reading!

Eddie is still on the couch when he wakes up in the morning, the only difference being that he’s alone now. The light peeking in through the curtains tells him that he slept later than usual. He can hear quiet laughter coming from the other room; Christopher must also be awake. There’s an ache in the back of his neck from sleeping at an odd angle, but he expected that much. Getting up, he grimaces at how his slept-in button-down sticks to his body when he gets up. He’s in desperate need of a shower and some mouthwash. 

He heads to the bathroom out of instinct but stops halfway there when he hears Christopher mischievous giggling followed by, “You sunk my battleship!”

_ Buck. He’s here. He held me while I cried pathetically. That’s a thing that happened last night. Right. That’s not embarrassing or anything.  _

_ At least he didn’t leave afterward. _

Eddie stops in the doorway, taking in the sight of two of them sitting on the ground with game pieces and the box scattered around them. It reminds him of the first day Buck came to stay with them; so much has happened since then. It’s hard to think it was only a few months ago. So much about their relationship- about  _ themselves  _ has changed in such a short period of time. 

It’s crazy what happens when new people walk into your life. 

Buck looks over and the smile stays on his face even once he sees Eddie. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Eddie replies, still groggy. “Good morning, Chris.”

“G’morning,” he says, not looking up from his game piece. “Did y-you have a good sleep?”

“Yeah, yeah I did.” Eddie feels his cheeks flush thinking of how Buck held him close last night like he was doing something important. If he dwells on it much longer, he won’t be able to stop. Eddie shakes his head, bringing himself back to the present. “I’m gonna go get breakfast started.”

As he walks out to the kitchen, Eddie can't stop thinking about last night. He feels… hollow, almost. In a good way. Now that all those heavy feelings he'd been walking around with the last week are gone, he realizes how much it was weighing him down. Maybe it’s about time he learned how to let go of things that are hurting him.

Maybe he should just learn to admit when he’s hurting instead of holding it in.

Eddie digs around in the fridge looking for something worthy of breakfast. It looks like cinnamon rolls are the way to go today. He checks the oven to make sure there isn't anything in there before starting to preheat. He looks over his shoulder when he hears feet against the hardwood; Buck is standing there, looking at Eddie curiously.

"Hey," he says standing up. Eddie drops the dough into a pan. "I hope you like cinnamon rolls, it's the only thing I could-."

He stops when he feels the warmth of a body right behind him. A calloused hand closes around Eddie's and he forgets how to breathe. 

When he turns around, Buck is right there, crowding him against the stove. There’s at most a foot of distance between the two of them, but Eddie hardly notices. When Buck squeezes his hand, Eddie can’t help but think about the last time they held hands like this. Standing outside of the fire station, waiting to see if Buck would find the courage to go inside and face his friends.

He’s certainly found some kind of courage now.

“I realized I never thanked you properly. For saving me that day, out near the woods… I wanted to repay you.”

Eddie’s too caught up in the look Buck is giving him to focus on his words. Buck is watching his mouth real carefully and it takes Eddie’s brain two more seconds to catch up to what’s happening here.

_ Holy shit. _

His heart starts to beat in double time. “Buck-.”

“I want to,” Buck says, the surest of himself that Eddie’s ever heard him. “ _ Please _ , Eddie.”

Eddie nods slowly and Buck leans in, his thumb and forefinger cradling the dip in Eddie’s chin just before their mouths connect. It might be the most perfect kiss that Eddie’s ever had. Soft and sweet. Tender and warm- feels like everything he’s been missing in the last year. Everything he wished so badly to be able to find again. 

He pulls back and finds Buck smiling like he just outshone the sun- and maybe he did. The backlight of the room creates a halo around his head, but it still doesn’t do his smile justice. He’s the brightest thing around for miles. 

Eddie leans his forehead against Buck’s, gripping their hands tighter together; Buck’s fingers never leave his face. 

"That was, um," Eddie stammers, a little breathless. "You're really good at that."

Buck laughs against Eddie's lips. "You're not so bad yourself… believe it or not, kissing you isn’t the only reason I came in here."

Eddie pulls back just enough to look Buck in the eye. “Oh?”

Buck reaches into his pocket with his free hand, pulling out a few wrinkled dollar bills and pressing them into Eddie’s other hand. Eddie looks down at them curiously, thumbing through them. 

“Fourteen dollars?”

“For my shoes. That’s how much I was short, remember? You saw how much I wanted them and you weren’t going to leave the store until I had them. That’s when I knew you weren’t doing all of this just to be a show-off or whatever. You  _ wanted  _ to help me… that’s when I knew.” 

“Knew?”

“That I made the right choice by going with you. That I wasn’t making a mistake by trusting you.” 

Eddie blinks away the tears that appear in the corner of his eyes. “You know you don’t have to pay me back for this. It’s just a few bucks.” 

“I know,” Buck says quietly. “But I’ve had this planned out in my head basically since the moment happened so you're just going to have to go with it.”

“And the kissing? Was that part of the original plan?”

“Nah. Getting to kiss you was an added bonus.”

Eddie smirks and shakes his head fondly as he watches Buck smile. He's about to lean in to kiss him again when Christopher's voice calls out.

"Dad!" 

Eddie and Buck take a step away from each other but don't stop holding hands even after Christopher has made his way into the room. “Yeah, bud?”

“Can we go to the- the park today?”

Eddie glances over at Buck, smiling already. “Actually, I was thinking we could go to the Zoo.”

Christopher’s eyes light up. “Really? All of us?”

_ All of us. As in you, me, and Buck. I already love the sound of that. _

“That’s up to Buck,” Eddie says, looking back to Buck. If Eddie wasn’t looking right at him, he would’ve missed the way that Buck’s cheeks start to turn pink, the edges of his mouth stretching back into a smile.

“I wouldn’t miss it.”

The warm, adoring feeling that appears in Eddie’s stomach is so strong that he almost can’t contain himself. He presses his thumb against Buck’s knuckles firmly, familiarizing himself with every crevice of Buck’s skin. Christopher leaves the room in a hurry, yelling about getting dressed, but Eddie hardly hears him. He’s too caught up in Buck’s smile to notice much else.

“I know we have a lot to talk about before we really get into anything,” Eddie says quietly. “But… you being here,  _ staying  _ here. Is that going to be a thing again?”

Buck shrugs. “Can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be.”

“Not even with Maddie?”

“I love my sister. But something about being here, being around you and Christopher- I feel good here. I don’t feel like I have to have my guard up all the time or worry about getting hurt.”

“But the other day-.”

“Was an  _ accident _ that we can talk about later. For now… let’s go have a good day at the zoo.”

Buck smiles brightly at him again and Eddie thinks to himself:

_ You’re here. With me. How could it be anything but a good day? _

_ Six weeks later. _

Eight in the morning at station one-eighteen means it’s time for a shift change. Most members show up a few minutes early, giving themselves time to get dressed and take another look at the roster before starting their day. Though, if you’re Buck, it usually means rushing in at the very last second nearly every morning- and by the nature of living together, Eddie is, too.

“Do you think it bothers Bobby that we’re almost late to shift most days?”

“I think he’s just glad that I’m on time at all,” Buck responds as he finishes tucking in his uniform. “When I first started, I was late every day for six months. It's a miracle he didn’t fire me.”

“How is this better?”

Buck gives him a smug look. “You’re here, and I’m not late anymore. That’s certainly better.”

Eddie blushes, shaking his head. “Cute.”

Buck leans over and kisses his cheek, “I like to think so,” then grabs him by the hand and pulls him out of the locker room.

They keep holding hands and talking quietly amongst themselves as they make their way across the apron. Eddie doesn’t miss the low whistle that comes from the loft; sounds like Hen. Buck throws up his middle finger without bothering to look and see who it was and Eddie just grins at him. Buck’s in a good mood this morning, he hasn’t seen this side of him before but it’s fun to watch.

Chimney leans on the railing of the loft. “You know, for two people who  _ just _ started dating, you two are grossly domestic.”

“Says the guy who’s mackin’ on my sister,” Buck shoots back, with a knowing glance.

“Touché, Buckley.”

Eddie can’t help but laugh at the interaction. He doesn’t mind the jab at their relationship. He hasn’t been this happy in a long time and he’s going to milk it for as long as the world will let him.

Talking about their feelings- both for each other and internal- had been necessary before getting too far into anything. It was a hard conversation to have; both of them have enough trauma to last a lifetime, but they knew it needed to happen.

They waited until Christopher was off at school, not wanting to have a heavy discussion too late in the day and possibly set off a nightmare later for either one of them. Eddie shared his worries around being a bad partner and that he might hurt Buck, even if on accident. In return, Buck told him that sometimes it’s going to be unavoidable. He hasn’t figured out all of his triggers yet until he starts therapy and gets a better handle on things, it’s going to be a lot of trial and error. There’s still so much they don’t know about each other. 

They both agreed they wanted to try, though. That had been the shining light in all of the dark mess they found themselves in.

“I’m still surprised you liked me back, honestly,” Eddie told him.

“What? No way.”

“You didn’t tell me that you were interested in guys, too!”

“I thought it was obvious! I mean look at you; I thought I didn’t have a chance since you were married to Shannon before.”

Soon after, both of them dissolved into laughs at their own obliviousness. A few days later, Eddie sat down with Christopher and talked about everything with him. Made sure that he knew that Buck wouldn’t be replacing Shannon and that he wouldn’t just be Eddie’s “friend” anymore.

“So, he’s like y-your boyfriend?”

“Well, yeah. I guess so.”

“And he’s gonna keep living with us?”

“That’s the idea. Does that sound okay to you?”

“Yeah. That’s okay. Just don’t make him run away again; you get- grumpy when he’s not here.”

Eddie can’t really argue with that last one, so he laughs a little and says he’ll do his best. Ever since their emotional heart-to-heart in the hospital room, there’s been a noticeable shift in their relationship. Better, in a lot of ways. More listening and less walking away from conversations. Christopher hasn’t fully worked up to being affectionate again, but Eddie doesn’t mind. Things like that don’t just change overnight.  He's just glad that his son is talking to him in more than two-word sentences again.

When they finally make their way upstairs, Bobby already has breakfast on the table. He looks up at them after placing a bowl of fruit on the table. “Hey, I was wondering if you two were ever going to show up.”

“And miss out on a shift with you guys?” Buck responds, “I would  _ never _ .” 

“What’s got you in such a good mood this morning, Buck?”

Without missing a beat, he says, “Happy to be here, Hen.”

Buck has only been back at the firehouse for a few weeks, but it’s almost like he was never gone in the first place. When they’re out on a call, Eddie doesn’t miss the way that Buck shines a little brighter than usual. He’s able to put his worries away for a little while; he can ignore everything else and lose himself in the job. He still has his bad days, of course. Nightmares, too. They’re not as often now- but that doesn’t make them hurt any less.

Some things are always going to hurt. Eddie’s no stranger to that. 

The trial date isn’t for another few months. Buck won’t come right out and say it, but Eddie knows that he’s stressed about it. They had a phone call with their lawyer the other day- an old friend of Athena’s- and even just discussing everything that would likely come up in court sent Buck into a tailspin. It’d taken him nearly an hour to calm down afterward. 

Having to be in the same room as Ali again  _ and _ having to admit all of his suffering in front of a bunch of strangers- it’s daunting. Eddie only hopes that everything turns out in his favor, that Buck doesn’t have to keep relieving his nightmares for much longer. More than anything, he hopes that Buck finally gets to put all of this bad shit behind him.

Ten minutes into shift- before anyone’s had a chance to take more than two bites of their breakfast, the alarm goes off and there’s a low, communal groan as everyone gets out of their seats.

As they rush downstairs, Chimney is quick to rattle off, “It’s gonna be one of those days, I can feel it.”

For once, Eddie doesn’t mind the idea of having a busy day ahead of him. He’s got his team, his partner, and a job that he enjoys. What could there possibly be to complain about? He slows his step as he watches Buck race towards the fire trucks. There’s an ease in how he carries himself that Eddie hasn’t seen before now. It stirs something in his brain.

_ He’s back, _ he thinks to himself,  _ he’s back to feeling like his old self before everything went wrong… I can’t wait to get to know this version of him.  _

Buck glances over his shoulder and stops once having realized that Eddie wasn’t behind him. He grins when he catches Eddie looking at him. He nods to the trucks, a mischievous look growing on his face as he says to Eddie:

“You coming or what?”

Eddie just smiles back at him. “With you? Always, Buck.”

**Author's Note:**

> A little nervous about posting but mostly just excited to see what everyone thinks of it. 
> 
> Thanks for reading my fic! Comments/Kudos are appreciated and encouraged. You can find me on tumblr as paranoidbean. Have a great day (and stay safe out there)!


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